Something that bothers me is pants. Not wearing pants, that is one of my favorite things to do. I am doing it right now. What really bothers me is bad pants - especially on men and ladies.
Over the years, I have started to refer to bad pants as "Gladstones" after the popular character Joey Gladstone on Full House. When it comes to bad pants, his are the best.
Sometimes bad pants are bad because they are too high. Sometimes they are bad because they feature elastic around the waist and ankles (which makes things easier when going potty but pants you need to unbutton are worth the effort). Sometimes bad pants have designs printed on them and it doesn't matter how neat a design is, it doesn't belong on pants. Any one of these characteristics in isolation constitutes a pair of Gladstones. All three at the same time is the worst thing that could happen to pants.
I sit at a desk that people walk by. When they walk by I often look at their pants. The amount of Gladstones I see is staggering. I want to stop them and say, hey who let you out of the house in those Gladstones? Or also, hey fag nice Gladstones. But I just sit there and don't say anything. Trying to rid the world of Gladstones is like trying to boil the ocean. I don't have time for that. Well, I do have time for it but I have to write this blog now so
I just realized that at least 80% of the people reading this blog are probably wearing Gladstones right now. The biggest problem is a lack of Gladstones awareness. Believe it or not, over half of all Gladstones wearers have never even heard of a Gladstones. So I made up this simple checklist of questions that you can do right now.
Is your navel currently being covered by your pants?
If yes, Gladstones.
Are the bottom cuffs of your pants constricted around the lower part of your calf or ankle and possibly your socks?
Don't look now but those are Gladstones.
Do people point out stains on your pants that are actually part of the intentional design?
In many cases, you are likely wearing Gladstones.
Do people avoid having sex with you and blame it on your pants?
You guessed it - Gladstones.
Lots of people think Gladstones don't exist because they don't know that they are wearing them. Here are a few tips to do if you just now realized you are wearing Gladstones.
-don't panic
-take your pants off
-buy different pants
Well I hope you realized a few things today.
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Thanks for the Gladstone test. This is an important assessment tool given the epidemic of bad pants in the United States. I would like to add the importance of back-pocket placement. Back pockets can give the illusion of a smaller, shapelier ass. Gladstones accentuate bad asses. Gladstones have pockets that extend too far toward the hips or too high toward the waistline.
ReplyDeleteAlso, be careful with belts. A belt can pull the pants too high, relocate back pockets and hence, create a bad ass. Joey is such a major offender of this that I can't even stand it.
Together we can fight bad pants.
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ReplyDeleteYou bring up a very important point--people who wear Gladstones have no idea they are, have no idea what Gladstones are, and have no future plans of ridding of the Gladstones because they are living in a world of Gladstone ignorance. I would also like to add the tightness and color can add a whole new dimension...For instance, larger women with large pancake/cottage cheese lovechild asses in stretch pants, who more than likely are also displaying their larger than life camel toes...More on the lines of Joseph Gladstone, the color can really make it or break it. If there is a cheapy periwinkle tone or a stone-washed feature, its no good.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I refuse to date anybody with Gladstones. I'm not trying to be discriminatory, but c'mon...its just gross.
did i say ignorance?...i meant oblivion... total gladstone oblivion!
ReplyDeleteI like how much you ladies are committed to Gladstones awareness. I didn't even think about camel toe but let me tell you one thing, I am sure thinking about it now. If you want to start whiteboarding some ideas about what to do about all this, let me know if you own a whiteboard. If not let's keep kicking around some ideas right here on the internet. I vote we continue to shame the Gladstones-clad with silent judgment until further notice.
ReplyDeleteha ha ha....this blog is a hoot!
ReplyDeleteGladstones...i'm glad i picked up on this term. I have long known the pants, and now i know the name! I'll have to say that i have owned some gladstones...and my ass looked terrible! I was young though, and didn't dress myself.
Dear mom,
wtf?