9021 Whoa

So tonight I was kicking it on the futon and something amazing started happening on the TV right before my very eyes. Now before I go any further I should say that I haven't forgotten that this blog is about Full House and Full House alone but just stick with me because this relates back to it. Anyway, I have been feeling like lately I need to bring it on back to my roots and get into a show again that is more for tweens. So I have been shopping them around. Tonight I landed on the new version of Beverly Hills 90210, cleverly titled 90210.

I am sure you all remember about some of my post Full House soul searching - like my addiction to Lizzie McGuire. I am also man enough to admit that I experimented with Seventh Heaven and dabbled in My So-Called Life. None of these ever replaced Full House in my eyes but still it was nice in some ways for something new to come along and distract me. If anything watching other shows only makes me love Full House more, mostly by how they never even come close to stacking up. So other shows kind of put Full House's greatness into perspective for me.

Anyway, back to the story about how I turned on 90210. So basically I turned on 90210 and started watching it and I was enjoying it. Seeing Brenda and Kelly again was like a trip down memories lane. But then something incredible happened. There is a new guy on the show who is like the main guy who is principal of West Beverly High School. Well guess who his dang wife is? That's right, Aunt Becky.

Now I know what you are thinking - that lucky bastard. But then you are like wait a minute - she plays a mom on the show and her kids are in high school. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Aunt Becky is like 26. She would have had to have had those kids when she was like 8 or 10 years old for that to work out, which is really gross to think about.

Well I decided to just stop worrying about the age thing and trust Aunt Becky to be able to act her way out of it by acting older than she really is. All in all she did a great job at this. So I kept on watching and the show was pretty much awesome and it kind of made me sad. It's hard to admit to myself that Aunt Becky has moved on. All incredible things must pass I suppose but still, it was tough watching her.

As tough as it was though, I will be back. It's good to know Aunt Becky is ok and moving forward. I wish her the best of luck. If you're reading this, call me girl.

Wow

So basically the outcry has been overwhelming for me to not stop this blog. Now I am starting to reconsider based on the literally tens of emails I have already got about it. Basically I am going to get really drunk tonight and then sleep on it.

Some days I think I am totally ready to give the blog up and move on. Other days I think that I was born to blog and blogging is the only thing I have ever been good at. Pretty much you could say that I am confused and scared. And this is a good example of that.

I guess I feel a lot like Danny felt after he was getting pressured by Jesse and Joey to start dating again after his wife had only been cold and dead in the ground for like six months. Well as I am sure you remember, Danny made a date with a lovely young woman and then he called her back and canceled the date. Then he reconsidered and called her back again and said that the previous call was his evil twin Manny Tanner and that the date was back on. Then some other stuff happened that I forget about right now.

The point is though, Danny was scared and confused and also he was talking crazy talk. He felt schizophrenic which is how I feel and some people say I am. So he blamed his other half.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the last blog was by my evil twin Manny Tanner. In other words, the blog is back on. Unless I decide tomorrow that it isn't. You will have to stay tuned to my blog to find out.

Hey, I made something in my life relate to Full House. Looks like I still gots it. See you tomorrow!

Fine you win

So basically the other day someone was talking to me about Full House and also about my Full House blog. They were like hey when you are blogging do you ever notice how all your blogs seem to be about how you are going to keep blogging? And also about how all your blogs are about the blog itself? And about how pretty much the word blog is the only word you even care about?

I guess this huge douchebag has a point. If there is one thing I hate it's when people don't know when to stop. Pretty much this blog is one of the greatest things that has ever been on the internet. I don't think anyone would argue that and if they did I would tell them to shut up. Because of my legacy as one of the top five greatest bloggers in the history of blogs and blog-related websites, I can't allow anything less than genius blogs to be posted on my blog. Basically the blog has made me so famous that I no longer have time to blog the way I used to blog so the blog will be going on indefinite hiatus effective immediately.

I want to thank everyone for all of your support and also your constant praise of me and my blog. I want to apologize for all the things on Full House I never got to blog about - specifically when Kimmy was keeping an ostrich in her backyard and it reached over the fence and bit Jesse on the head. Man that was a great episode. I just couldn't figure out what that was like in my life which is pretty ironic considering I think about that episode several times a day.

Anyway, I want to say to Full House that I love you and I will always use your lessons to make my life way better. Which isn't hard because a lot of times my life is pretty sucky. But you help for it to suck less and I appreciate it.

I will miss you all but since most of you are people I know on stuff like facebook things will pretty much be exactly the same as they always were except we won't talk about how hilarious my latest blog is. This will probably work out ok until I start craving the attention again and do something else that I guilt you into reading or watching or listening to.

I guess the point is that I am a genius and I had fun making this blog. I was lost out there and all alone and this blog was waiting to carry me home. And it did.

Without further ado I will leave you with this:

Zoobadoo bop bah dowwww!


PS - leave comments on this blog about me being awesome. Thanks.

-Rush Hour Renegade

Insulted

So tonight I was hanging out with a guy who has been a huge fan of the blog since about day three. He was talking about my latest blog and about how I was winding down to quit. Immediately I got really angry and sick to my stomach but I pushed it all down inside because I wanted to see where he was going with this. He went on to congratulate me on keeping the blog going as long as I did. I choked back a little vomit and washed the vomit back down my throat with beer. He stared at me and I knew I had to say something.

I told my friend that blogging about Full House is in my blood so don't go digging my grave just yet. I could tell by the look on his face that he was extremely impressed. Sure I could have run down a million Full House analogies like comparing my tenacity to Michelle learning to ride the bike or comparing my commitment to Joey coming back to comedy after quitting or comparing my fearlessness to Stephanie overcoming her fear of the dentist . Because that's just how easy it is. Everything that happens in my life is like something that happened on Full House and I just don't see how I can't continue to blog about that forever.

It seems like the streets may be saying this blog is thinking about closing shop. This isn't something I can turn off people so get used to a lifetime full of Full House blogs delivered hot and fresh from me. This is my life homey you decide yours.

I guess you could consider this blog a warning to all the haters and doubters. I'm straight up in this.

The Secret Files Vol. Infinity

So it looks like basically a lot of people are wondering about the future of the blog and what is going to happen about it. I am a pretty mysterious guy most of the time but since you have all made me totally rich and famous from this blog I am going to let you in on some little secrets about how I have been able to write so many amazing blogs in such a small period of time.

This is the first secret which I will start calling secret number 1 from now on. Secret number 1 is that I have been waiting my whole life to start this blog. I have been saving up ideas for this blog since before blogs were even invented. It's not really a surprise that I was able to fire off so many amazing blogs right from the start huh. If I am not blogging so much as I used to it's because I ran out of backlogged ideas so get off my junk about it.

OK so secret number 2 is pretty much the same as secret number 1 except it is a more specific version of it. Secret number 2 is that when I started this blog I was writing like 3 of these a day and just saving them. Remember about how I said I was totally mysterious? Well I was making it look like I was blogging every day but I was really just popping off some stale blogs I had been saving up inside the blog. There is a place for saved drafts in here and it comes in handy for faking the appearance of a steady blog output. This is probably some kind of blogger's trick but since I never heard about any one else doing it I am just going to take credit for inventing it.

I guess I am pretty much at secret number 3 now. Secret number 3 is that from the start I wasn't working alone on coming up with ideas. Lots of people were writing me emails and being like hey blog about this and I wrote them back and said ok fine I will. Then I would make a totally incredible blog and take all the credit for it. This worked out really well for me. The problem is that all the idea givers got either pissed off with me or bored and they quit feeding me the ideas. Pretty much it has been a problem.

Well now you know all of my secrets that were going on behind the scenes. This blog went from a tiny idea into a giant corporate machine with teams of writers working around the clock to bring hilarious and brilliant Full House blogs to the masses. But then those teams quit and left me here with this dumb blog that I have to keep up with. Even though it's rewarding it's also really hard and annoying and I don't do too good with either of those things.

I guess the fate of this blog reminds me a lot of the fate of Full House itself. As I am sure everyone remembers, Full House never had a series finale episode. ABC just canceled it in the off season with no warning. It was pretty much incredibly rude considering what an awesome show it had been. But ABC just did what it had to do.

After ABC canceled the show, I spent the next 13 years (1995-present) extremely angry about it. But today I think I understand what they must have been thinking. If there is no last episode then there is no reason to say goodbye and you can just spend the rest of your life fantasizing about what the characters are up to. That is what I do every day and it is usually the best part of my day. So even though I am still pissed that they don't make new Full Houses, I am glad they never officially ended it.

That is the point of today's blog. Well there are two points actually. The first point is that I will never end this blog even if I can't blog so much as I used to. Full House showed me that officially ending things is retarded. The second point is that you better start emailing me some blog ideas if you want more awesome blogs. I guess you could leave the ideas as comments but that makes it way harder for me to take complete credit for them which I love.

Well I hope you are all happy about how I leveled with you today.

The Beer Incident - Final Explanation

One thing people keep bringing up to me all the time everywhere I go is about the one episode of Full House where Jesse busts DJ at the school dance because she is holding a beer. All my friends and also people who don't like me are like, hey tough guy if Jesse is so cool then why did he have a problem with DJ drinking beer at the school dance? It's like people are out to get me and prove that Jesse isn't so cool as I know he is. Obviously that is a lot like trying to prove gravity isn't real but even though I know gravity is real it's really to hard to prove that it's real just like it's hard to prove that Jesse is the coolest. I am man enough to admit that this episode has even made me question how cool Jesse even is. Not for long but for like 2 seconds. Anyway, I have figured it out so ready here goes.

Now before I totally begin, let me tell you something that you already know. Beer is awesome and you should drink it wherever you go. Of course Jesse had to know this - I mean he was in a rock band and him and Rippers were probably drinking beers left and right all day long. So the question is why would Jesse start harshing DJ's mellow by taking her beer away at the school dance. Well it's actually pretty simple.

One thing I learned about a long time ago is that you can't drink beer at school. If you want to drink it there anyway then you are going to have to do it in the parking lot like a regular American instead of in the hallway drinking it out of your locker like a retard. Even though the beer wasn't even DJ's beer she was holding it in the hallway which made her look like a damn fool. It's no wonder Jesse snatched it away from her, drinking beer in the hall is totally retarded. There is a right and a wrong way to drink at school dances. DJ was doing it wrong.

It's not that Jesse didn't want DJ to be drunk at the school dance because he did. His band was the one playing at the dance and I am sure the Rippers sound about eight billion times better when you have a cool one in your hand. So the question is, what was the problem then? The problem was that underage drinking is something you have to do in secret and DJ wasn't doing that so Jesse made her pay. I bet after DJ and Jesse got home they had a talk that went something like this.

DJ, if you want to get totally fucked up at a school dance then you should remember that this is why god invented pills and cough syrup. You can't even barely get in trouble for that especially if it is already in your body when you show up but beer can get you suspended and you aren't going to be able to get into Stanford like how you want. But anyway Deej if you just have to be drunk off beer at a school dance then at least be smart about it and wash your pills down with some while you are driving to the dance. That way you can throw the bottles out the window to get rid of the evidence and you will be drunk when you show up. Honestly though Donna Jo you can't just hang around with a bottle of beer in the hallway at school because even though it makes you a huge badass it also makes you a huge retard so from now on you need to plan ahead and get hammered way before the dance even starts. Also think about dropping acid because there is no evidence of that either but I am not going to apologize for taking your beer away because you were acting like a moron.

Now doesn't that sound like a good explanation? Obviously the show was too short for that part to be included but I am pretty sure that is what Jesse had to say about the whole thing. Jesse just wanted to make sure DJ was drinking smart so she could underage drink for many years to come.

I just hope we can all put this episode behind us and everyone can stop bringing it up. I am obviously right about what happened so let's move on please.

Heroes

Everybody should know about something if you don't already know about it. I am a guy who likes to have heroes. Basically people are my heroes if they do things that takes a lot of balls or if they are mostly a lot more awesome than I am. As you can imagine, there aren't many people who fit this bill so I spend a lot of my time carefully picking heroes. A hero can't just be any old bro - he has to be a dude who is so awesome that nobody could ever argue different. Tough to find huh? Well I can usually find them.

If you want some examples of my heroes then keep reading. Probably one of my biggest heroes is Andre 3000. He is a hero for two reasons. Reason #1 is that he is f-ing boss at rapping and can dominate the whole world at it almost. But that isn't the only reason I like him, lots of people are great at rapping who I hate. So obviously it is more complicated than that. Reason #2 why I like him is because he does a lot of awesome things with his hair. Like sometimes it is a fro and sometimes it is relaxed like Dark N' Lovely style or also sometimes it can be braided. See why he is my hero? I admire a guy who takes pride in his hair (like Jesse duh) and also who can rap like all get out. So he is probably my number one hero.

OK well he is not my only hero. Ricky Williams is also pretty much my hero too. The reason he is my hero is because he got kicked out of football for getting high and not giving a freak. I think that's awesome. It's like even though he made a million dollars playing with footballs he wasn't going to let anyone be the boss of him. He was like, psh if I can't smoke drugs in my free time then my whole life is going to be free time because guess what I quit. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge quitter. Ricky Williams quit football on the top of his game so that he could do yoga and put whatever he wanted into his body. In a nutshell, that is what I did when I quit law school and I was heavily inspired by Ricky. Do the math: Ricky Williams=hero

I know what you are probably thinking, are all of your heroes black? Well no you idiot some of them are hispanic like Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (no explanation needed on why this little badass is my hero) but some of them are just plain old white people. The problem with white people though is that white people are always letting me down. A good example of a white person who keeps letting me down is Dave Grohl. He is what I like to call an ex-hero and here is why.

Dave Grohl used to be awesome and everybody knows it. He was awesome at drums and awesome at rocking and awesome at life. His voice was awesome and his hair was awesome and basically he traveled the globe on a magic chariot made of solid awesome. No one would even try to refute this. The problem is, he just got really old and when he got old he got cheesy and also not very funny anymore. All the songs he writes and sings sound like old songs he has already sang and it pisses me off. He isn't keeping it fresh and I think he is phoning it in. This is not acceptable. Obviously I had to fire him as my hero even though it was painful for both of us. It really taught me a lesson though.

When I think about my own heroes, I also think about Jesse's heroes. In case you don't know, Jesse's heroes were Sammy Davis, Jr. and Elvis Presley. You know what they both have in common? They are both dead. Jesse knew something that it took me years to learn - dead heroes are way better than living ones because dead people only get cooler and living people only get gayer. It's so simple it's genius. See Elvis is a perfect hero because since he is dead there is no way he can suck any more than he already sucks right now. Dave Grohl doesn't offer this kind of guarantee - until he dies I only see the sucking getting worse. Sometimes I fantasize about him dying just so he can be my hero again but I doubt he is going to give me that satisfaction. Besides he has already ruined it for himself anyway probably. Once you fire a hero there is no going back.

I am not really in the market for a new hero these days because the separation of me and Dave Grohl has been a painful divorce. One day I might love a hero again like I once loved Mr. Grohl but it won't be any time soon. And if that day ever comes I will remember what Jesse has taught me - when it comes to heroes, pick a dead one. Dead people never let you down.