Heroes

Everybody should know about something if you don't already know about it. I am a guy who likes to have heroes. Basically people are my heroes if they do things that takes a lot of balls or if they are mostly a lot more awesome than I am. As you can imagine, there aren't many people who fit this bill so I spend a lot of my time carefully picking heroes. A hero can't just be any old bro - he has to be a dude who is so awesome that nobody could ever argue different. Tough to find huh? Well I can usually find them.

If you want some examples of my heroes then keep reading. Probably one of my biggest heroes is Andre 3000. He is a hero for two reasons. Reason #1 is that he is f-ing boss at rapping and can dominate the whole world at it almost. But that isn't the only reason I like him, lots of people are great at rapping who I hate. So obviously it is more complicated than that. Reason #2 why I like him is because he does a lot of awesome things with his hair. Like sometimes it is a fro and sometimes it is relaxed like Dark N' Lovely style or also sometimes it can be braided. See why he is my hero? I admire a guy who takes pride in his hair (like Jesse duh) and also who can rap like all get out. So he is probably my number one hero.

OK well he is not my only hero. Ricky Williams is also pretty much my hero too. The reason he is my hero is because he got kicked out of football for getting high and not giving a freak. I think that's awesome. It's like even though he made a million dollars playing with footballs he wasn't going to let anyone be the boss of him. He was like, psh if I can't smoke drugs in my free time then my whole life is going to be free time because guess what I quit. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge quitter. Ricky Williams quit football on the top of his game so that he could do yoga and put whatever he wanted into his body. In a nutshell, that is what I did when I quit law school and I was heavily inspired by Ricky. Do the math: Ricky Williams=hero

I know what you are probably thinking, are all of your heroes black? Well no you idiot some of them are hispanic like Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (no explanation needed on why this little badass is my hero) but some of them are just plain old white people. The problem with white people though is that white people are always letting me down. A good example of a white person who keeps letting me down is Dave Grohl. He is what I like to call an ex-hero and here is why.

Dave Grohl used to be awesome and everybody knows it. He was awesome at drums and awesome at rocking and awesome at life. His voice was awesome and his hair was awesome and basically he traveled the globe on a magic chariot made of solid awesome. No one would even try to refute this. The problem is, he just got really old and when he got old he got cheesy and also not very funny anymore. All the songs he writes and sings sound like old songs he has already sang and it pisses me off. He isn't keeping it fresh and I think he is phoning it in. This is not acceptable. Obviously I had to fire him as my hero even though it was painful for both of us. It really taught me a lesson though.

When I think about my own heroes, I also think about Jesse's heroes. In case you don't know, Jesse's heroes were Sammy Davis, Jr. and Elvis Presley. You know what they both have in common? They are both dead. Jesse knew something that it took me years to learn - dead heroes are way better than living ones because dead people only get cooler and living people only get gayer. It's so simple it's genius. See Elvis is a perfect hero because since he is dead there is no way he can suck any more than he already sucks right now. Dave Grohl doesn't offer this kind of guarantee - until he dies I only see the sucking getting worse. Sometimes I fantasize about him dying just so he can be my hero again but I doubt he is going to give me that satisfaction. Besides he has already ruined it for himself anyway probably. Once you fire a hero there is no going back.

I am not really in the market for a new hero these days because the separation of me and Dave Grohl has been a painful divorce. One day I might love a hero again like I once loved Mr. Grohl but it won't be any time soon. And if that day ever comes I will remember what Jesse has taught me - when it comes to heroes, pick a dead one. Dead people never let you down.