The Beer Incident - Final Explanation

One thing people keep bringing up to me all the time everywhere I go is about the one episode of Full House where Jesse busts DJ at the school dance because she is holding a beer. All my friends and also people who don't like me are like, hey tough guy if Jesse is so cool then why did he have a problem with DJ drinking beer at the school dance? It's like people are out to get me and prove that Jesse isn't so cool as I know he is. Obviously that is a lot like trying to prove gravity isn't real but even though I know gravity is real it's really to hard to prove that it's real just like it's hard to prove that Jesse is the coolest. I am man enough to admit that this episode has even made me question how cool Jesse even is. Not for long but for like 2 seconds. Anyway, I have figured it out so ready here goes.

Now before I totally begin, let me tell you something that you already know. Beer is awesome and you should drink it wherever you go. Of course Jesse had to know this - I mean he was in a rock band and him and Rippers were probably drinking beers left and right all day long. So the question is why would Jesse start harshing DJ's mellow by taking her beer away at the school dance. Well it's actually pretty simple.

One thing I learned about a long time ago is that you can't drink beer at school. If you want to drink it there anyway then you are going to have to do it in the parking lot like a regular American instead of in the hallway drinking it out of your locker like a retard. Even though the beer wasn't even DJ's beer she was holding it in the hallway which made her look like a damn fool. It's no wonder Jesse snatched it away from her, drinking beer in the hall is totally retarded. There is a right and a wrong way to drink at school dances. DJ was doing it wrong.

It's not that Jesse didn't want DJ to be drunk at the school dance because he did. His band was the one playing at the dance and I am sure the Rippers sound about eight billion times better when you have a cool one in your hand. So the question is, what was the problem then? The problem was that underage drinking is something you have to do in secret and DJ wasn't doing that so Jesse made her pay. I bet after DJ and Jesse got home they had a talk that went something like this.

DJ, if you want to get totally fucked up at a school dance then you should remember that this is why god invented pills and cough syrup. You can't even barely get in trouble for that especially if it is already in your body when you show up but beer can get you suspended and you aren't going to be able to get into Stanford like how you want. But anyway Deej if you just have to be drunk off beer at a school dance then at least be smart about it and wash your pills down with some while you are driving to the dance. That way you can throw the bottles out the window to get rid of the evidence and you will be drunk when you show up. Honestly though Donna Jo you can't just hang around with a bottle of beer in the hallway at school because even though it makes you a huge badass it also makes you a huge retard so from now on you need to plan ahead and get hammered way before the dance even starts. Also think about dropping acid because there is no evidence of that either but I am not going to apologize for taking your beer away because you were acting like a moron.

Now doesn't that sound like a good explanation? Obviously the show was too short for that part to be included but I am pretty sure that is what Jesse had to say about the whole thing. Jesse just wanted to make sure DJ was drinking smart so she could underage drink for many years to come.

I just hope we can all put this episode behind us and everyone can stop bringing it up. I am obviously right about what happened so let's move on please.