One thing people keep bringing up to me all the time everywhere I go is about the one episode of Full House where Jesse busts DJ at the school dance because she is holding a beer. All my friends and also people who don't like me are like, hey tough guy if Jesse is so cool then why did he have a problem with DJ drinking beer at the school dance? It's like people are out to get me and prove that Jesse isn't so cool as I know he is. Obviously that is a lot like trying to prove gravity isn't real but even though I know gravity is real it's really to hard to prove that it's real just like it's hard to prove that Jesse is the coolest. I am man enough to admit that this episode has even made me question how cool Jesse even is. Not for long but for like 2 seconds. Anyway, I have figured it out so ready here goes.
Now before I totally begin, let me tell you something that you already know. Beer is awesome and you should drink it wherever you go. Of course Jesse had to know this - I mean he was in a rock band and him and Rippers were probably drinking beers left and right all day long. So the question is why would Jesse start harshing DJ's mellow by taking her beer away at the school dance. Well it's actually pretty simple.
One thing I learned about a long time ago is that you can't drink beer at school. If you want to drink it there anyway then you are going to have to do it in the parking lot like a regular American instead of in the hallway drinking it out of your locker like a retard. Even though the beer wasn't even DJ's beer she was holding it in the hallway which made her look like a damn fool. It's no wonder Jesse snatched it away from her, drinking beer in the hall is totally retarded. There is a right and a wrong way to drink at school dances. DJ was doing it wrong.
It's not that Jesse didn't want DJ to be drunk at the school dance because he did. His band was the one playing at the dance and I am sure the Rippers sound about eight billion times better when you have a cool one in your hand. So the question is, what was the problem then? The problem was that underage drinking is something you have to do in secret and DJ wasn't doing that so Jesse made her pay. I bet after DJ and Jesse got home they had a talk that went something like this.
DJ, if you want to get totally fucked up at a school dance then you should remember that this is why god invented pills and cough syrup. You can't even barely get in trouble for that especially if it is already in your body when you show up but beer can get you suspended and you aren't going to be able to get into Stanford like how you want. But anyway Deej if you just have to be drunk off beer at a school dance then at least be smart about it and wash your pills down with some while you are driving to the dance. That way you can throw the bottles out the window to get rid of the evidence and you will be drunk when you show up. Honestly though Donna Jo you can't just hang around with a bottle of beer in the hallway at school because even though it makes you a huge badass it also makes you a huge retard so from now on you need to plan ahead and get hammered way before the dance even starts. Also think about dropping acid because there is no evidence of that either but I am not going to apologize for taking your beer away because you were acting like a moron.
Now doesn't that sound like a good explanation? Obviously the show was too short for that part to be included but I am pretty sure that is what Jesse had to say about the whole thing. Jesse just wanted to make sure DJ was drinking smart so she could underage drink for many years to come.
I just hope we can all put this episode behind us and everyone can stop bringing it up. I am obviously right about what happened so let's move on please.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Heroes
Everybody should know about something if you don't already know about it. I am a guy who likes to have heroes. Basically people are my heroes if they do things that takes a lot of balls or if they are mostly a lot more awesome than I am. As you can imagine, there aren't many people who fit this bill so I spend a lot of my time carefully picking heroes. A hero can't just be any old bro - he has to be a dude who is so awesome that nobody could ever argue different. Tough to find huh? Well I can usually find them.
If you want some examples of my heroes then keep reading. Probably one of my biggest heroes is Andre 3000. He is a hero for two reasons. Reason #1 is that he is f-ing boss at rapping and can dominate the whole world at it almost. But that isn't the only reason I like him, lots of people are great at rapping who I hate. So obviously it is more complicated than that. Reason #2 why I like him is because he does a lot of awesome things with his hair. Like sometimes it is a fro and sometimes it is relaxed like Dark N' Lovely style or also sometimes it can be braided. See why he is my hero? I admire a guy who takes pride in his hair (like Jesse duh) and also who can rap like all get out. So he is probably my number one hero.
OK well he is not my only hero. Ricky Williams is also pretty much my hero too. The reason he is my hero is because he got kicked out of football for getting high and not giving a freak. I think that's awesome. It's like even though he made a million dollars playing with footballs he wasn't going to let anyone be the boss of him. He was like, psh if I can't smoke drugs in my free time then my whole life is going to be free time because guess what I quit. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge quitter. Ricky Williams quit football on the top of his game so that he could do yoga and put whatever he wanted into his body. In a nutshell, that is what I did when I quit law school and I was heavily inspired by Ricky. Do the math: Ricky Williams=hero
I know what you are probably thinking, are all of your heroes black? Well no you idiot some of them are hispanic like Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (no explanation needed on why this little badass is my hero) but some of them are just plain old white people. The problem with white people though is that white people are always letting me down. A good example of a white person who keeps letting me down is Dave Grohl. He is what I like to call an ex-hero and here is why.
Dave Grohl used to be awesome and everybody knows it. He was awesome at drums and awesome at rocking and awesome at life. His voice was awesome and his hair was awesome and basically he traveled the globe on a magic chariot made of solid awesome. No one would even try to refute this. The problem is, he just got really old and when he got old he got cheesy and also not very funny anymore. All the songs he writes and sings sound like old songs he has already sang and it pisses me off. He isn't keeping it fresh and I think he is phoning it in. This is not acceptable. Obviously I had to fire him as my hero even though it was painful for both of us. It really taught me a lesson though.
When I think about my own heroes, I also think about Jesse's heroes. In case you don't know, Jesse's heroes were Sammy Davis, Jr. and Elvis Presley. You know what they both have in common? They are both dead. Jesse knew something that it took me years to learn - dead heroes are way better than living ones because dead people only get cooler and living people only get gayer. It's so simple it's genius. See Elvis is a perfect hero because since he is dead there is no way he can suck any more than he already sucks right now. Dave Grohl doesn't offer this kind of guarantee - until he dies I only see the sucking getting worse. Sometimes I fantasize about him dying just so he can be my hero again but I doubt he is going to give me that satisfaction. Besides he has already ruined it for himself anyway probably. Once you fire a hero there is no going back.
I am not really in the market for a new hero these days because the separation of me and Dave Grohl has been a painful divorce. One day I might love a hero again like I once loved Mr. Grohl but it won't be any time soon. And if that day ever comes I will remember what Jesse has taught me - when it comes to heroes, pick a dead one. Dead people never let you down.
If you want some examples of my heroes then keep reading. Probably one of my biggest heroes is Andre 3000. He is a hero for two reasons. Reason #1 is that he is f-ing boss at rapping and can dominate the whole world at it almost. But that isn't the only reason I like him, lots of people are great at rapping who I hate. So obviously it is more complicated than that. Reason #2 why I like him is because he does a lot of awesome things with his hair. Like sometimes it is a fro and sometimes it is relaxed like Dark N' Lovely style or also sometimes it can be braided. See why he is my hero? I admire a guy who takes pride in his hair (like Jesse duh) and also who can rap like all get out. So he is probably my number one hero.
OK well he is not my only hero. Ricky Williams is also pretty much my hero too. The reason he is my hero is because he got kicked out of football for getting high and not giving a freak. I think that's awesome. It's like even though he made a million dollars playing with footballs he wasn't going to let anyone be the boss of him. He was like, psh if I can't smoke drugs in my free time then my whole life is going to be free time because guess what I quit. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge quitter. Ricky Williams quit football on the top of his game so that he could do yoga and put whatever he wanted into his body. In a nutshell, that is what I did when I quit law school and I was heavily inspired by Ricky. Do the math: Ricky Williams=hero
I know what you are probably thinking, are all of your heroes black? Well no you idiot some of them are hispanic like Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (no explanation needed on why this little badass is my hero) but some of them are just plain old white people. The problem with white people though is that white people are always letting me down. A good example of a white person who keeps letting me down is Dave Grohl. He is what I like to call an ex-hero and here is why.
Dave Grohl used to be awesome and everybody knows it. He was awesome at drums and awesome at rocking and awesome at life. His voice was awesome and his hair was awesome and basically he traveled the globe on a magic chariot made of solid awesome. No one would even try to refute this. The problem is, he just got really old and when he got old he got cheesy and also not very funny anymore. All the songs he writes and sings sound like old songs he has already sang and it pisses me off. He isn't keeping it fresh and I think he is phoning it in. This is not acceptable. Obviously I had to fire him as my hero even though it was painful for both of us. It really taught me a lesson though.
When I think about my own heroes, I also think about Jesse's heroes. In case you don't know, Jesse's heroes were Sammy Davis, Jr. and Elvis Presley. You know what they both have in common? They are both dead. Jesse knew something that it took me years to learn - dead heroes are way better than living ones because dead people only get cooler and living people only get gayer. It's so simple it's genius. See Elvis is a perfect hero because since he is dead there is no way he can suck any more than he already sucks right now. Dave Grohl doesn't offer this kind of guarantee - until he dies I only see the sucking getting worse. Sometimes I fantasize about him dying just so he can be my hero again but I doubt he is going to give me that satisfaction. Besides he has already ruined it for himself anyway probably. Once you fire a hero there is no going back.
I am not really in the market for a new hero these days because the separation of me and Dave Grohl has been a painful divorce. One day I might love a hero again like I once loved Mr. Grohl but it won't be any time soon. And if that day ever comes I will remember what Jesse has taught me - when it comes to heroes, pick a dead one. Dead people never let you down.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Bootie Call
One thing a lot of people don't know about is how it is hard to write blogs all the time. It's not like I run out of ideas or ever will run out of them, I just forget which things from Full House go with what thing that ended up happening in my life. Sometimes I try to write down ideas but a lot of really good ones get away. They are usually replaced by even better ones so it is fine but still I wish I could remember every genius thing I ever came up with, but there are so many that I have to be realistic and just know that some I am going to forget.
People always want to know about what will happen if I work through all the scenarios from Full House. Will I just shut down the blog and say that everything is covered? Not bloody likely. The thing about Full House is that it's so universal that one thing that happens on Full House can help you with like 15 things that happen in real life. Here is an example about that:
Take for instance the world famous episode where Stephanie loses Mr. Bear. This could be about lots of different things. It could be about losing something (obviously) or it could also be about being forced to grow up too soon because your stuffed animal is gone. It could also be about someone stealing something from you and hiding it like Michelle did or it could also be about your smug older sister telling you to get over something even though she is still totally in love with her gay Pillow Person which shows what a hypocrite she is. It could also be about your family making you feel better when something terrible happens even though my family never does that so I would never blog about that. I am just saying that it's possible. Anyway see how easy it is to blog about Full House? I will never run out of ideas because I will be dead way before that happens.
I guess if I had to compare Full House to anything I would compare it to the bible. The bible is a book that is really long but nothing has been written in it for millions of years. Still, people talk about it all the time. You know why? I bet you don't so I will tell you why. There are life lessons in there that can be fit into pretty much any situation that would ever happen to you. Just because they stopped writing the bible doesn't mean they stopped having church. And just because they stopped making Full Houses doesn't mean I will ever stop this blog. The ideas are just too endless so you might as well settle in for a lot more blogging by me.
Sometimes though I start to get really upset and have panic attacks when I forget an awesome blog idea. Something happens in my life that goes perfect with something from Full House but then when it's time to blog I can't remember. This reminds me a lot of when Jesse was taking care of the twins when they were basically first born and the twins had names on their booties so people could tell them apart. Well Jesse pulled the booties off and then couldn't figure out which pair of booties went with which baby. Needless to say he was freaking out. He didn't need to be freaking out though, he should have just remembered that it would work itself out eventually.
That is just like me - sometimes I forget which things from my life go with which things from Full House. But then I am like you know what, it doesn't matter which booties goes on which twin, the booties fit either twin and the twins look exactly alike anyway so quit worrying about it. I guess the point of today's blog is that even though running this blog is really hard, I am awesome at it and will never stop so everyone should just calm down.
People always want to know about what will happen if I work through all the scenarios from Full House. Will I just shut down the blog and say that everything is covered? Not bloody likely. The thing about Full House is that it's so universal that one thing that happens on Full House can help you with like 15 things that happen in real life. Here is an example about that:
Take for instance the world famous episode where Stephanie loses Mr. Bear. This could be about lots of different things. It could be about losing something (obviously) or it could also be about being forced to grow up too soon because your stuffed animal is gone. It could also be about someone stealing something from you and hiding it like Michelle did or it could also be about your smug older sister telling you to get over something even though she is still totally in love with her gay Pillow Person which shows what a hypocrite she is. It could also be about your family making you feel better when something terrible happens even though my family never does that so I would never blog about that. I am just saying that it's possible. Anyway see how easy it is to blog about Full House? I will never run out of ideas because I will be dead way before that happens.
I guess if I had to compare Full House to anything I would compare it to the bible. The bible is a book that is really long but nothing has been written in it for millions of years. Still, people talk about it all the time. You know why? I bet you don't so I will tell you why. There are life lessons in there that can be fit into pretty much any situation that would ever happen to you. Just because they stopped writing the bible doesn't mean they stopped having church. And just because they stopped making Full Houses doesn't mean I will ever stop this blog. The ideas are just too endless so you might as well settle in for a lot more blogging by me.
Sometimes though I start to get really upset and have panic attacks when I forget an awesome blog idea. Something happens in my life that goes perfect with something from Full House but then when it's time to blog I can't remember. This reminds me a lot of when Jesse was taking care of the twins when they were basically first born and the twins had names on their booties so people could tell them apart. Well Jesse pulled the booties off and then couldn't figure out which pair of booties went with which baby. Needless to say he was freaking out. He didn't need to be freaking out though, he should have just remembered that it would work itself out eventually.
That is just like me - sometimes I forget which things from my life go with which things from Full House. But then I am like you know what, it doesn't matter which booties goes on which twin, the booties fit either twin and the twins look exactly alike anyway so quit worrying about it. I guess the point of today's blog is that even though running this blog is really hard, I am awesome at it and will never stop so everyone should just calm down.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Passing the test
So basically I talk to all of these other bloggers who are totally famous off their blog too and we brag to each other about blogging. Like bragging about times when blogging was the last thing we should have been doing like when you are blogging in someone's spare bedroom at a party or you were blogging when you were supposed to be going to court. I guess most bloggers think they are badasses and these guys were all bragging about the times when they had blogged drunk and high. They asked me if I had ever done that and I told the truth: that isn't how I roll.
Everyone started laughing at me and calling me a blog noob. They were like man you just don't know anything about yourself as a blogger if you haven't blogged drunk and high. So I decided that tonight I would try it. So far it's pretty scary.
When it comes right down to it, I run a blog about Full House. Blogging about Full House is more of a morning-type activity. These days I am barely ever drunk and high in the morning. Therefore, no I have never blogged drunk and high. But that doesn't mean I don't know who I am as a blogger. I blog about Full House, end of story. Obviously I know about what kind of blogger I am.
But when I told these other bloggers that they were like, psh whatever how about you get drunk and high and write a blog and then come talk to us. I wanna see what the precious little morning blogger does when he's fucked up on a Saturday night.
As you can imagine, I hated all of these guys. But even though I hated them, I also felt like I had something to prove to them. So that's why I had to give it a whirl. And as I referenced before, that night is tonight.
I don't know about you guys but this blog is getting pretty close to done and I think it's gone pretty well. I don't feel like it's my best blog or even in the top half, but I got the job done. It's just one more thing that proves to me what a blog master I have truly become. I can blog no matter what planet I feel like I am on. That's a great feeling.
Anyway, I hope all you naysayers leave me comments about how I stepped up to bar and then went sailing over the bar in triumph. I feel like I proved something to the world tonight. But more importantly, I proved something to myself.
Everyone started laughing at me and calling me a blog noob. They were like man you just don't know anything about yourself as a blogger if you haven't blogged drunk and high. So I decided that tonight I would try it. So far it's pretty scary.
When it comes right down to it, I run a blog about Full House. Blogging about Full House is more of a morning-type activity. These days I am barely ever drunk and high in the morning. Therefore, no I have never blogged drunk and high. But that doesn't mean I don't know who I am as a blogger. I blog about Full House, end of story. Obviously I know about what kind of blogger I am.
But when I told these other bloggers that they were like, psh whatever how about you get drunk and high and write a blog and then come talk to us. I wanna see what the precious little morning blogger does when he's fucked up on a Saturday night.
As you can imagine, I hated all of these guys. But even though I hated them, I also felt like I had something to prove to them. So that's why I had to give it a whirl. And as I referenced before, that night is tonight.
I don't know about you guys but this blog is getting pretty close to done and I think it's gone pretty well. I don't feel like it's my best blog or even in the top half, but I got the job done. It's just one more thing that proves to me what a blog master I have truly become. I can blog no matter what planet I feel like I am on. That's a great feeling.
Anyway, I hope all you naysayers leave me comments about how I stepped up to bar and then went sailing over the bar in triumph. I feel like I proved something to the world tonight. But more importantly, I proved something to myself.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Bar Humiliation
Last night I was at a bar with my friend. Lots of times waitresses sit down at our booth because we drink a lot and tip pretty good and plus are also hilarious. I don't remember why she was sitting there or what we were talking about but pretty soon we were talking about Full House. This waitress said that she had seen every episode at least fifteen times. In my mind I doubled her tip on the spot. She went on to talk about her shame of it. Boy was she speaking my language or what. Shame and Full House are probably my two favorite things to think about and talk about. Let's just say this was my favorite waitress I had ever had.
So she was saying, I just hate to tell people that I know basically every line of every episode. It's embarrassing. I said, well it can be. It's tough to talk about. It can be a bit of a car in the kitchen, can't it?
Her eyes lit up like the sun. She knew exactly what I was talking about. I thought for a minute she was going to hug me but she ended up staying on her side of the table. That was fine with me, if I hugged everybody I talk about Full House to I would pretty much do nothing but hugging all the time. Besides, it was reward enough that I was totally making her day.
She started talking about how Stephanie backed the car into the kitchen and it totally smashed through the wall. And how Michelle was trying to tell everybody about the car in the kitchen but nobody believed her. And then she started talking about how there was a cement truck and it was dumping cement into the car or the house. Then she stopped and stared at me. Wait, she said - was that the same episode or a different one?
I stared back at her. My friend stared at me. I totally froze up. Now it was my turn to feel the shame. I was quiet. We all were. Finally I looked down and stuttered - I...I don't know.
If I could have shot myself in the face in that moment I would have. It was a really awkward situation for all of us. I had been bragging about my knowledge of the show and I referenced an episode that I guess I don't really know all that well. It completely humiliated me and I hope it will serve as a wake up call.
Needless to say, I didn't tell the waitress about my blog. How could I? I make a fool out of myself by not being able to distinguish between two Full House scenarios and then I am going to expect her to read my blog? That's insane. I would have no right to expect her to read my blog. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
The waitress soon got up from our table and didn't come back to sit again. I think she must have been trying to spare my feelings or protect me from further embarrassment. I appreciated that and actually triple tipped her (I call this "trip tip" - it is my standard practice for when I make a jackass out of myself at a bar). My friend and I didn't talk much after this incident and he was pretty disappointed in me. Heck, I was pretty disappointed in myself.
I woke up this morning a little on the foggy side. I remembered a conversation about Full House but I was hoping that I dreamed it. When I fully realized that it had actually happened, it felt more like a nightmare. I can't stop thinking about it. I am never going to let that happen to me again. There is only one choice for me: I must begin watching a minimum of two episodes a day until I cycle through the entire series again. I can't run this blog so rusty. If I learned nothing from my pain last night, I learned that. Consider this blog my renewed commitment to the show.
So she was saying, I just hate to tell people that I know basically every line of every episode. It's embarrassing. I said, well it can be. It's tough to talk about. It can be a bit of a car in the kitchen, can't it?
Her eyes lit up like the sun. She knew exactly what I was talking about. I thought for a minute she was going to hug me but she ended up staying on her side of the table. That was fine with me, if I hugged everybody I talk about Full House to I would pretty much do nothing but hugging all the time. Besides, it was reward enough that I was totally making her day.
She started talking about how Stephanie backed the car into the kitchen and it totally smashed through the wall. And how Michelle was trying to tell everybody about the car in the kitchen but nobody believed her. And then she started talking about how there was a cement truck and it was dumping cement into the car or the house. Then she stopped and stared at me. Wait, she said - was that the same episode or a different one?
I stared back at her. My friend stared at me. I totally froze up. Now it was my turn to feel the shame. I was quiet. We all were. Finally I looked down and stuttered - I...I don't know.
If I could have shot myself in the face in that moment I would have. It was a really awkward situation for all of us. I had been bragging about my knowledge of the show and I referenced an episode that I guess I don't really know all that well. It completely humiliated me and I hope it will serve as a wake up call.
Needless to say, I didn't tell the waitress about my blog. How could I? I make a fool out of myself by not being able to distinguish between two Full House scenarios and then I am going to expect her to read my blog? That's insane. I would have no right to expect her to read my blog. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
The waitress soon got up from our table and didn't come back to sit again. I think she must have been trying to spare my feelings or protect me from further embarrassment. I appreciated that and actually triple tipped her (I call this "trip tip" - it is my standard practice for when I make a jackass out of myself at a bar). My friend and I didn't talk much after this incident and he was pretty disappointed in me. Heck, I was pretty disappointed in myself.
I woke up this morning a little on the foggy side. I remembered a conversation about Full House but I was hoping that I dreamed it. When I fully realized that it had actually happened, it felt more like a nightmare. I can't stop thinking about it. I am never going to let that happen to me again. There is only one choice for me: I must begin watching a minimum of two episodes a day until I cycle through the entire series again. I can't run this blog so rusty. If I learned nothing from my pain last night, I learned that. Consider this blog my renewed commitment to the show.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Blog blog
So today has been the most horrible day ever of my blogging career. Pretty much I started writing a blog this morning and everything was going fine. As usual it was totally hilarious and incredible except it wasn't really coming together at the end like it usually does. So I changed a little of the front part so it would tie in to the ending. It tied in to the ending alright but then the middle part was all jacked up. So I tweaked the middle and that threw off the beginning again. Needless to say I was really pissed and my company would have been too if they had known I had spent like almost two hours on that blog instead of working. But I am an artist and I felt like I had to finish it. But the more I changed it, the worse it got and more I was wanting to kick somebody in the balls. I needed a breather.
I took a really long lunch and thought about what was going wrong with the blog. I just couldn't figure it out. It was like one of those tricky games they sell at Cracker Barrel that is like three metal rings hooked together and if you twist them just right they come apart but it takes you like five hours to figure out how so you end up f-ing with it for your whole meal and you are so pissed and frustrated that you have to buy it and take it home until you figure it out or you will never be able to get over it and move on with your life. That is how this blog was feeling to me.
No matter how many things I moved in the blog though it just wouldn't budge. It wasn't becoming the blog I wanted it to be. What was worse it included a story about me doing one of the most awesome things I have ever done. I can't tell it now though, that is a gem for another day. OK fine I will tell it now.
When I was 14 I came up with a plan to dip an old shirt in gasoline, wrap the gas-soaked shirt around the end of a sharpened stick, light it on fire and throw it javelin-style into a gigantic hornets nest full of angry hornets of doom. I totally launched the stick into the nest and it burst into flames. It was freaking awesome to see it go up in flames and lots of the hornets were flying around on fire - no joke. As you can imagine I got attacked by a few of the firey hornets and I ran down the street squealing like a bitch in front of all my friends and I rolled on the ground until they were done stinging me. Doesn't that sound cool to think about? It doesn't even make sense in this blog but I wanted to tell it anyway so there you have it.
Anyway, obviously that blog just wasn't meant to be. After working on it all day long I decided to just scrap it and blog about how pissed I am about the old blog. That all reminded me of when Michelle was trying to earn her HoneyBee badge in cooking on Full House. She kept making cookies over and over but they all sucked. Everyone was trying to not hurt her feelings but they were also trying not to barf from the awful cookies. Well Michelle just kept making more and all the cookies kept sucking so she was like, screw this I am done trying to earn that HoneyBee badge. I took that as inspiration to quit trying to make that blog happen. The moral of the story was that sometimes it is fine to quit.
Now that I think about it Michelle either quit or she kept on trying until she succeeded. I don't really remember to be honest. It's not important now. All that's important is that her cookies sucked and that blog sucked and people shouldn't have to choke down either one. If you are a fan of this blog and you don't think this one is up to snuff then you can suck it. This is the blog you are getting today and you are lucky that you are getting any blog at all.
I took a really long lunch and thought about what was going wrong with the blog. I just couldn't figure it out. It was like one of those tricky games they sell at Cracker Barrel that is like three metal rings hooked together and if you twist them just right they come apart but it takes you like five hours to figure out how so you end up f-ing with it for your whole meal and you are so pissed and frustrated that you have to buy it and take it home until you figure it out or you will never be able to get over it and move on with your life. That is how this blog was feeling to me.
No matter how many things I moved in the blog though it just wouldn't budge. It wasn't becoming the blog I wanted it to be. What was worse it included a story about me doing one of the most awesome things I have ever done. I can't tell it now though, that is a gem for another day. OK fine I will tell it now.
When I was 14 I came up with a plan to dip an old shirt in gasoline, wrap the gas-soaked shirt around the end of a sharpened stick, light it on fire and throw it javelin-style into a gigantic hornets nest full of angry hornets of doom. I totally launched the stick into the nest and it burst into flames. It was freaking awesome to see it go up in flames and lots of the hornets were flying around on fire - no joke. As you can imagine I got attacked by a few of the firey hornets and I ran down the street squealing like a bitch in front of all my friends and I rolled on the ground until they were done stinging me. Doesn't that sound cool to think about? It doesn't even make sense in this blog but I wanted to tell it anyway so there you have it.
Anyway, obviously that blog just wasn't meant to be. After working on it all day long I decided to just scrap it and blog about how pissed I am about the old blog. That all reminded me of when Michelle was trying to earn her HoneyBee badge in cooking on Full House. She kept making cookies over and over but they all sucked. Everyone was trying to not hurt her feelings but they were also trying not to barf from the awful cookies. Well Michelle just kept making more and all the cookies kept sucking so she was like, screw this I am done trying to earn that HoneyBee badge. I took that as inspiration to quit trying to make that blog happen. The moral of the story was that sometimes it is fine to quit.
Now that I think about it Michelle either quit or she kept on trying until she succeeded. I don't really remember to be honest. It's not important now. All that's important is that her cookies sucked and that blog sucked and people shouldn't have to choke down either one. If you are a fan of this blog and you don't think this one is up to snuff then you can suck it. This is the blog you are getting today and you are lucky that you are getting any blog at all.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Late Bloomer
So everyone keeps telling me that I need to grow up. Or that I have a lot of growing up left to do like maybe I have started growing up but not gotten very far with it. In some ways I have always had to deal with this, mostly because I am late bloomer. Sometimes I don't even bloom at all. Personally I just feel like everyone needs to shut up and that they are out to get me and make me feel bad. I can't help not blooming on time.
It took me a really long time to learn how to tie my shoes pretty much because I didn't want to learn. My shoes were all velcro and I wasn't in the mood to stop wearing velcro shoes. Since I wasn't totally allowed to pick my own shoes back then I didn't want to risk getting switched from velcro to laces so I just refused to learn how to tie a shoe. Eventually though people kept picking on me about it (they were out to get me as usual) so I just went ahead and learned. It wasn't very hard because I was about 10 by then.
That isn't even the only example about me being a late bloomer. I was like 15 years old before I ever even did a drug. Hard to believe but it's true. And I was like 16 before I ever shoplifted anything. Gosh I am going to stop, this is getting embarrassing telling everyone how long it took me to do things.
See the problem with me is, people are always trying to do things for me instead of letting me learn them for myself. Everyone treats me like I am totally helpless. Obviously I am not totally helpless or I couldn't figure out how to make people do things for me all the time. I know how to look sad and confused at just the right time to make people be like, oh holy crap this will be easier if I just do it. That doesn't sound like a person who is helpless to me.
The only thing I can't seem to master is getting people to teach me things. This can be good and bad. Like at work, there is a girl who knows a lot of important things like where the printers are. I don't want to learn about where the printers are so I just ask her to print something out if I need it and also ask for her to go get it and also for her to bring it to me. She doesn't seem to have a problem with this and acts like it is faster than if I were doing it alone. When she is absent from work though, I can't print anything. Not my blogs, not pictures I make in paintbrush - nothing. Only then do I wish I knew the stuff she knows.
I also start to worry sometimes like what if she dies. If she dies I will never be able to print anything again without having to tell someone that I never knew how to print in the first place. I would never tell anyone that so I am totally screwed if she dies.
Basically this late blooming problem I have reminds me a lot of Michelle and her training wheels. I am sure you remember that one episode where Joey took her bike riding with no training wheels and she told him to let go of her while she was riding. Well Joey did let go and Michelle totally smashed face first right into a huge bush. Then she blamed Joey for it even though he was just doing what she said for him to do. Don't worry they patched things up later.
But the point is, if I start asking people to let me do things on my own, I can see myself becoming a huge bitch about it like Michelle. I will probably blame people and pout and threaten them too. But I think it's important for me to start learning things. Pretty much now is my time to bloom.
It took me a really long time to learn how to tie my shoes pretty much because I didn't want to learn. My shoes were all velcro and I wasn't in the mood to stop wearing velcro shoes. Since I wasn't totally allowed to pick my own shoes back then I didn't want to risk getting switched from velcro to laces so I just refused to learn how to tie a shoe. Eventually though people kept picking on me about it (they were out to get me as usual) so I just went ahead and learned. It wasn't very hard because I was about 10 by then.
That isn't even the only example about me being a late bloomer. I was like 15 years old before I ever even did a drug. Hard to believe but it's true. And I was like 16 before I ever shoplifted anything. Gosh I am going to stop, this is getting embarrassing telling everyone how long it took me to do things.
See the problem with me is, people are always trying to do things for me instead of letting me learn them for myself. Everyone treats me like I am totally helpless. Obviously I am not totally helpless or I couldn't figure out how to make people do things for me all the time. I know how to look sad and confused at just the right time to make people be like, oh holy crap this will be easier if I just do it. That doesn't sound like a person who is helpless to me.
The only thing I can't seem to master is getting people to teach me things. This can be good and bad. Like at work, there is a girl who knows a lot of important things like where the printers are. I don't want to learn about where the printers are so I just ask her to print something out if I need it and also ask for her to go get it and also for her to bring it to me. She doesn't seem to have a problem with this and acts like it is faster than if I were doing it alone. When she is absent from work though, I can't print anything. Not my blogs, not pictures I make in paintbrush - nothing. Only then do I wish I knew the stuff she knows.
I also start to worry sometimes like what if she dies. If she dies I will never be able to print anything again without having to tell someone that I never knew how to print in the first place. I would never tell anyone that so I am totally screwed if she dies.
Basically this late blooming problem I have reminds me a lot of Michelle and her training wheels. I am sure you remember that one episode where Joey took her bike riding with no training wheels and she told him to let go of her while she was riding. Well Joey did let go and Michelle totally smashed face first right into a huge bush. Then she blamed Joey for it even though he was just doing what she said for him to do. Don't worry they patched things up later.
But the point is, if I start asking people to let me do things on my own, I can see myself becoming a huge bitch about it like Michelle. I will probably blame people and pout and threaten them too. But I think it's important for me to start learning things. Pretty much now is my time to bloom.
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