Gun Safety

Ever since I can remember I have been really afraid of being shot. Think about it for a second, I figure about 50% of people end up getting shot at some point. John Lennon got shot, Biggie and Tupac got shot too, and I think Bob Marley got shot one time, and also that Mexican lady Selena got shot. It seems pretty clear that if good things start happening to you, people try and shoot you. So I decided to do something about it a while ago.

For a long time I was really against guns mainly because I didn't want to end up getting shot by one. But then it dawned on me that the only way to keep from getting shot is to shoot someone first. So I bought a gun and figured out how to shoot it.

I felt safer at first but then I started being afraid of someone snatching my gun away from me and shooting me with my own gun. So I started coming up with plans to protect the gun from getting snatched and used on me. For years I slept with the gun duct-taped to my chest but I got tired of having to buy duct tape and nair. It all just got really complicated so I hid the gun in a closet where towels go. No bad guy would think about looking in there.

After the gun was in the towel pantry I kind of forgot about it for a while. I didn't forget about getting shot - trust me I think about that multiple times a day - I just didn't spend as much time playing with the gun as I did in the past. I used to carry it a lot of places but now I leave it in its hiding spot. The other day it dawned on me how completely stupid this is. I spend so much time thinking about using my gun on a person that it never even dawned on me how many other awesome things I could use it on. Obviously that will require me carrying it around a lot more.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesse owned a gun. Part of me wants to say of course he owned a gun, look at what a huge badass he was. He drove a motorcycle, wore boots and had a bitchin' leather jacket. You would have to be a fool to think he wasn't packing. Well, fair enough on all counts, but how do you explain him never using it when it would have really came in handy?

Like how about the time Jesse and Stephanie and Michelle got trapped in that auto garage on Michelle's birthday? If Jesse would have had a gun on him he could have shot the lock off and escaped. But he didn't even mention being able to do this. Or how about when Jesse and the whole family was trapped on the subway that one time? Boy a gun would have sure been good to have then. Jesse could have saved everyone by shooting out a window of the train. Once again though, if Jesse had a gun he wasn't telling.

I have a theory about this. Of course Jesse owned a gun but like an idiot he never took it anywhere. I am going to let this be a lesson to me. Guns are not just for shooting people, they are for shooting a wide variety of things. And also, guns are not just for shooting things around the house. There is a whole world out there of things just waiting to get shot. If you leave your gun at home, you are just cheating yourself.

The point of this blog is that I will be carrying my gun a lot more. Not carrying your gun is just plain lazy, and if it's one thing I'm not it's lazy. Usually I think Jesse makes really fantastic decisions but this is one time where I have to call him out. Jesse, you have to bring your piece homey. It's a matter of safety.

Rival Blog!

Well it seems that I am not the only person who blogs about what Full House means to their life. Recently I found this entry from someone's blog. This is totally real by the way. Most of the crap I barf out on this blog is just made up but this isn't. So here goes:

Sunday, September 2, 2007

On the episode of "Full House" I just watched, D.J., (Candace Cameron) the oldest sister, bought a horse! It's name was Rocket and her best friend Kimmy Gibbler (Andrea Barber) helped her with the money. It costed 100 dollars per week for stable feed! That is a whole lot of money considering she had it for 2 weeks! I would never be able to pay that off! She kept it a secret from her dad (Bob Saget) for that long. Plus she lied about where she went after school. It never said what her punishment was, but she got in really big trouble. Trust me. I bet she couldn't watch T.V., use the phone, or have any friends over for a month at least! Considering her life, that must've been pretty harsh. The poor thing! At least she didn't get grounded in real life! That would've been so awful I would stay isolated in my room that whole time! Oh well.

The author describes herself in this way:

I am a pre-teenager that worships God. I was baptized when I was eight by my daddy. I have three siblings; Joey age 9, Abbie age 6, and Chloe age 4. My parents are Rob and Clarissa. I have participated in Music Mania once, and I am doing it again this year.

Can you believe this bullcrap? Who is this whore? Obviously this is some sort of rival masquerading as a religious child. Hiding behind God to throw me off. And what the balls is Music Mania? That isn't real. Psh.

No child could write a blog entry as brilliant as that. You would have to be plumb retarded to think those gorgeous words and enlightened insight came from some idiot kid. It's insulting really.

Here is how you can tell that it's a professional adult writer also. Look at how she said "it costed 100 dollars per week..." Nice try jerk! Making it seem cute and child-like is the number one red flag that it is not being written by a child but by a compensated adult. Not to mention the excess of exclamation points. Gah who do you think you are fooling?

Here is where you my loyal fanbase comes in. If you ever find a blog like this please tell me about it immediately. These are obviously professionals. Look at how they back-dated the blog to make it look like it was posted before my blog even existed. Man, these guys are good.

If you are reading this you "pre-teenager that worships God" then just know that I am on to you. Whoever hired you to take down my blog should just know that I will blog on toilet paper in a prison cell if it comes to that. You obviously have no idea who you're messing with.

Danny Tanner Explanation

It was recently been brought to my attention that this blog is ignoring a loud and vocal faction of Full House fans - the Danny Tanner faction. Actually I have known this from the start but I have just been ignoring it. If you want to know the truth, I don't care about Danny Tanner or fans of Danny Tanner. My problem is that thousands of the fans of this blog are also fans of Danny Tanner and I feel like I owe it to them to at least explain what my problem is.

It's not like I stay up all night thinking about how I don't care about him, it's just that we have nothing in common. I don't value being clean or my living space being clean so that is one major difference. I also don't have kids. Lots of people have kids and are cool about it but not Danny. In order to be cool about having kids, you should never talk about your kids. Danny broke this rule pretty much any time his mouth was open. I just can't respect that.

Kids are meant to be seen and not heard and rarely seen. This may sound weird coming from such a huge Michelle Tanner fan but just because she was funny on the show doesn't mean I want one or think your kid is funny. In fact, the opposite is true. She was the best kid ever and your kid isn't going to top her so why are you trying? It doesn't make sense to me.

Lately these days it seems like everyone I know is having a baby. The only reason I know this is that they tell me. Every time someone is talking about their dumb baby I just keep thinking "How rude" over and over. Eventually I make up a story about needing to go to the bathroom and I never come back. It's not my fault though, I didn't ask them to start talking about their kid.

Having a baby is like having a pet that never dies or runs away. Once you have it, you are just stuck with it. But people keep doing it like a bunch of retards. It blows my mind constantly.

Danny Tanner is a great example of this kind of person which is why I have nothing to say to him. Not only did he have a kid, he had three kids. This makes me wonder if he wasn't doing it on purpose. People who have kids on purpose end up becoming the worst kinds of parents - the kind who talk about their kids. It's like they are almost proud of themselves for doing what they did.

That is something else I really respect about Jesse - he had kids but he didn't see it coming at all. If you remember when he found out about Becky being pregnant, he pretty much fainted. Fainting is not what people do when they want kids. Jesse was totally caught off guard which makes me believe that he wasn't trying to make those kids. Sometimes bad things just happen to good people.

But Jesse shows what can happen to you if you have a kid - you can sometimes end up with two of those little assholes before you can turn around. If you will notice something though, Jesse and Becky never talked about having any more kids after they f-ed up and had those first two. That is how to handle yourself if you ever end up in a situation like that.

Basically I don't really like Danny Tanner because he is such a huge dad. I hate dads. Especially dads who try and tell you about their kids. Jesse was a dad but he just kept on talking about his hair and how much he wanted to rock. If I am ever a dad I hope this is the kind of dad I am.

So in closing, if you are a Danny Tanner fan you are going to have to start your own blog if you want to read about him because it won't be happening much here. And if you are a Danny Tanner fan it means you probably have a baby that you are trying to shove in my face and down my throat. I don't need that so go to hell. OK well I am glad you know where I stand now.

Ghetto Pass

One thing people are always reminding me about is that I am an incredible rapper. Sometimes I forget so I appreciate being reminded. I have been rapping for so long it's almost like I don't even stop to remember how great I am. Luckily a lot of people remember for me.

When I say that I can rap, I don't mean that I can rap along to a song on the radio. I mean that I spit hot fire and bitches better bow down, son. That's just the way it is.

More than anything though, people want to know how I got so great at it. Well it's pretty simple. I am from the ATL (the airport code for Atlanta, GA) and there is only two kinds of people in the ATL: white people and black people. Well when I grew up I was friends with both kinds of people.

Black people liked to be friends with me for a lot of reasons. First of all, unlike most white people who try to be friends with black people, I didn't try to talk and dress like black people. The black people I knew appreciated that. Second of all, I played drums. Black people like drums. If that is the sort of thing that you can't handle then don't come to the ATL.

So there I would be hanging around black people and they would tell me to play drums so that they could rap over the dope bangers I was laying down. I did it for them and they liked it. Except one time I busted out a fresh rhyme over my own beat and wowed the crowd. Not everyone was happy with me though.

Just like this blog, being a white person who out-raps a black person right to his face is controversial. Everyone knows that black people are great at rapping - but that doesn't mean every black person can rap. In fact, some of them are downright terrible at it. Those black people hated me for my skills.

But most black people appreciated me for my skills and not being afraid to show them my skills. As the years went by, I started to accumulate a lot of black friends. And not only was I friends with them, they were friends with me back. And we didn’t care about racism or anything like that, we just cared about rhyming and getting crunk.

If you want to know what my childhood was like, it was a lot like Michelle Tanner’s when she was in kindergarten. Remember her best friend Teddy? Yep, Teddy the little black boy. But then he moved to Texas so Michelle needed a new best friend. Remember her new best friend Denise? Yep, Denise the little black girl. Do you see a trend here?

What I am saying is, there were maybe two black people ever on Full House and they were both best friends with Michelle. You know why? Well hold on to your horses because I am about to tell you about something. That something is called a Ghetto Pass.

A Ghetto Pass is what black people give to white people when black decide that a white person is cool enough to keep it real with them. Justin Timberlake has a Ghetto Pass. Steve Nash also has a Ghetto Pass. Bill Clinton used to have one and probably still does but he might not. Regardless, Michelle obviously had a Ghetto Pass. And guess who else does too? That’s right – me.

Since the blog has been blowing up I don’t rap as often as I used to. But that doesn’t mean I forgot where I came from. I could still spit it if shove came to push and don’t you forget it.

You know pretty soon we might have a black person for a president. That will suck balls for all you racist white people out there who prayed to God every night that you would never see this day. But it won’t suck balls for me. Me and Michelle Tanner will be smoking Black & Mild’s on the South Lawn of the White House while your sorry white ass is watching through the fence. But that’s the luxury of the Ghetto Pass. Don’t be a hater on me for it.

Say Uncle

Basically my mom confronted me about the blog today. So I would just like to take this opportunity to say thanks to whoever reads my blog and hangs out with my mom and told her about it. I really appreciate you doing that because I don't have enough people in my life telling me about how I don't live up to their expectations. I obviously I have no way of knowing who you are but you know who you are and if the guilt kills you then so be it.

Anyway, she was pretty much on my case about glorifying things in my blog that I shouldn't be glorifying. Things like abusing substances and not being all that good at things. She reminded me of one crucial fact: I am an uncle.

That's right, for the past seven years I have been an uncle. It all started the day my brother's ex-girlfriend gave birth to his kid. I have been this kid's uncle ever since.

As far as I know he doesn't have any uncles except for me. I like not having any competition in the uncle department even though I would probably blow any other uncles out of the water. When it comes to being an uncle, Jesse is pretty much the best example of how to be one and I learned everything he knows. If you follow his lead all you have to do is be awesome and play in a band to be a perfect uncle. I don't play in a band right now but it's pretty obvious that I have the awesome part covered.

But my mom was all, look at your embarrassing blog and how much it is humiliating our family. In case you haven't noticed, our family can't really afford any more major embarrassments these days. The way you talk about drinking and smoking and cussing, what kind of example do you think that sets for your nephew?

I was like look lady, my nephew is going to end up doing a drug or two in his lifetime so you might as well just start accepting that now. Second of all, do you know what people love about me more than anything? They love that I keep it real. And my blog keeps it real. And I think that is a great example for any kid to follow.

My mom got tears in her eyes and told me that I was a hundred percent right as usual. Then she said that I had grown up to be twice the uncle that Jesse ever was. I said that she shouldn't get carried away but that I appreciated the compliment.

Then me and my nephew went in the back yard and shot a cat with a sling shot. I had a lot of fun today.

Karate Party

If you ever have a reason to spend an afternoon with me, you will probably find out pretty quick that I am obsessed with karate. I don't like karate movies or watching karate on TV, I just like talking about karate. Personally I didn't even take karate because my mom thought that I did enough fighting already and she wasn't going to pay somebody to teach me how to fight more. It kind of sucked too because I had a trampoline in my back yard and I used to stay up at night thinking about how awesome it would be for karate fighting.

I don't know why I even like it or what makes it so cool but all I know is that I can't stop thinking about it. If I had to guess I would say it's because I have always liked kicking things. That is what I liked about soccer so much - kicking things on purpose. It's fun but after a while you start to wish you were kicking things you are not supposed to kick like asses and faces. That is what I am into kicking these days.

But karate is more than kicking, it's also about yelling and chopping and learning how to beat people up with ancient karate moves. It's a lot more complicated than it looks. Sometimes I think about learning karate on the internet but I never do it. Basically you have to start when you are little if you want to be able to karate. I was robbed of that chance.

These days I get pretty mad whenever I see the episode of Full House where Joey gets tough and bans DJ from being in a karate tournament because she comes home late. I know he had to put his foot down but it's just like what the heck you damn queer if she doesn't learn karate now you are basically keeping her from ever knowing it. DJ had worked so hard at karate and he was crushing her dreams.

I know a thing or two about having my dreams crushed by not being allowed to do karate and I can tell you that it stinks. Banning DJ from the karate tournament, are you kidding me?!? Gah you bozo those lessons cost money and karate gives pride to kids. There is no excuse for what you did Joey, none at all.

Man, I am so worked up right now that I don't even remember what happens about the karate tournament. All I know is that I don't know karate and I'm pissed about it. I never want another child to feel this kind of pain. Everyone should get to do karate.

Confessions

Lots of times people are very impressed with how much I have been able to take Full House and use it to not do stupid things or to make me feel better when bad things happen to me that aren't my fault at all. It wasn't always this easy though and today I am going to confess about how. Let me take you back to 2002 for a minute.

2002 was a really bad year for me. It was bad for about 5 reasons. First of all I was fatter than I am right now so that wasn't very much fun. Second of all I decided to take ephedra instead of exercising to not be fat which made me really jumpy and nervous. Third of all I decided to smoke narcotics every day to counteract the ephedra but that only made it a whole lot worse. Fourth of all snacks were the only thing that made me feel better. And fifth of all I was addicted to Lizzie McGuire.

When I set out to start this blog I said that it wasn't going to be about other TV shows but I am breaking that rule now. My Lizzie McGuire period taught me a lot of lessons and now it's time for me to teach you a lot of lessons. So here goes.

When I met Lizzie McGuire I was confused and addicted to things. My life was pretty dirty and I thought Lizzie could help me clean it up. Boy was I an idiot for thinking that. If anything it only made everything dirtier. Of course it took me a while to see that.

I was a lost soul searching for truth and so I went to where every 22 year-old man eventually goes for truth - the Disney Channel. I watched several of their shows like That's So Raven and other shows that had Raven on it. None of them were meant for me though. Then I found Lizzie and it spoke to me. I decided that show would be my new best friend.

Lizzie was there for me during a really dark period and we had some good times. During certain periods of my life I felt as close to Gordo as I had felt to Jesse. Or at least I thought I did. It's funny how the heart lies when you need it to.

Looking back I can't believe what a fool I was. At the time though it seemed to make so much sense. It made me feel things that only Full House had made me feel. I was caught up in its cartoon interludes and funny sound effects. It was fun and new and exciting. I was forgetting about Full House and I liked it.

We lived in harmony for a while but it eventually became clear that things couldn't last forever. Once I had seen every episode about five times, the magic slowly began to fade. I knew what I had to do.

I moved an hour and a half away and lived in my parents' attic for four months. No drugs, no sunlight, no phone calls and most importantly - no Lizzie. Luckily for me I had bought a Nintendo at a local gaming hole to help me pass the time. During this period of life, I started to realize that I was searching for something I had already found. That something was and is and forever shall be Full House.

Lizzie was a fad and Full House is timeless truth. Lizzie put on an elaborate masquerade but eventually the mask had to come off. Once it did, I could see Lizzie for what it was. A false prophet, a graven image, a Judas Priest.

Eventually I found my way back to Full House and begged its forgiveness. I offered to be its eternal servant for my wayward ways. But Full House opened its arms to me and ordered the fatted calf to slaughter in my honour. All was forgiven.

So if you ever wondered if I had sinned against Full House, wonder no more. But this benevolent show is truth incarnate. If you yourself have strayed fear not. You can take a thousand steps away from Full House but it is only one step back. I am living proof.

I'm not afraid of feedback

Well it was only a matter of time before the blog became really controversial and apparently that time is right now. I read every piece of fan mail I get and basically a lot of the fan mail is from people who aren't fans. They think this blog is too easy and that I am not challenging myself. Take this fan mail for instance.

Dear Rush Hour Renegade,

Everyone under the sun can see how much you are exactly like Jesse in terms of coolness and great looks. Maybe you should blog about something harder like how you and Jesse are different. I bet you can't even come up with anything to blog about then. You should think about hanging up your keyboard.

-Miss Terbear

OK fine I can blog about all the reasons me and Jesse are two different people. First of all, I don't have a motorcycle. There are you happy? Now let's move on to the next fan mail.

Dear Rush Hour Renegade,

What kind of a loser are you? You must be a pretty big one since you hardly ever blog about Danny Tanner. I wish he was my dad. Maybe you should shut down the blog since you don't have time for him.

-Nick E. Inalex

I can't tell you how many times I get letters like this one. Lookit, I have the whole rest of my life to run this blog. Danny's time is coming so don't get your panties in a wad. If there is one thing I have to deal with every day it's that most people who read this blog have extremely wadded panties.

OK, looks like we have just enough time for one more letter.

Dear Rush Hour Renegade,

This is the worst blog I have ever read. Helen Keller could write a better blog with her eyes closed. You wish you were Jesse but you're not and you never will be so maybe you should go to hell and shut up when you get there. Jesse is 8 million times cooler than you so give up and kill yourself.

-Carrie U. Home

See these kinds of letters are probably the meanest but I don't care. If I was going to kill myself I already would have done it by now. I just print out these kinds of fan mail and put them in a folder marked "People Who Are Jealous Of Me." Actually there are five folders labeled this.

Anyway, I hope this just proves that I am not afraid to face my critics and keep on blogging just to spite them. This blog is about Full House but it's also about spite and making people jealous of me which is why I will never stop.

So to all my true fans, I have to go out of town for a few days so I won't be able to update my blog for a little while. I didn't want you to think that I had gave in to my critics and quit the blog or something but it might be a few days before I see you again.

If anything should happen to me and I end up being assassinated or something like that, I want one of my fans to keep the blog going please. My log in name is my email address and my password is Jesse69. Do me proud.

Shooting for the Stars

One thing that makes me sad is when people don't shoot for the stars. I shoot for the stars a little bit everyday and it has pretty much paid off. One time in high school this girl made a senior quote that said Shoot for the stars because even if you miss you'll land among the stars. I have never forgotten about that.

It's probably my favorite saying for a lot of reasons. First of all, I am a really good example of how it comes true. I wanted to be a professional musician but the streets weren't ready for it. Now I have a blog so I guess things worked out. I shot for the stars and missed but landed among the stars so there you have it.

Lots of people I know never even shoot for the stars. I don't know what they are shooting at but it certainly isn't the stars. Like the other day I was over at my friend's house and out of nowhere we started talking about Full House. He basically confessed that as a kid he was pretty much in love with DJ and as he got older his head would sometimes be filled with images of himself doing things with DJ physically. Needless to say I laughed in his face but not so hard that he told me to go home.

This is a good example of how my friend has been not shooting for the stars from a young age. I am not saying that DJ doesn't have a pretty face and a charming personality but she is not fantasy material at all. I told my friend about how I shoot for the stars and that even as a kid I wanted to break me off a piece of that Aunt Becky. So he laughed back in my face because he was like oh yeah right like you are really going to be able to get her away from Jesse. Then I told him that shooting for the stars means not worrying about things like that.

Any fool can see that Becky was the most desirable female on that show. Why would I settle for stupid DJ when Becky was vamping it up right in front of my face. I don't care about Jesse or having to fight him to get her. It's not like I haven't thought about having to fight him before. I am not afraid of that.

But the point is if you shoot for Becky you will probably end up with DJ. If you shoot for DJ you will probably end up with Kimmy. That's just how life works. That's how my stupid life works anyway. But my friend was like, you're retarded and you didn't get Becky or DJ or even Kimmy. I was like see I knew you wouldn't get it, and you wonder why I have a blog and you don't. Then he did tell me to go home.

But some people just can't deal with that I shoot for the stars. But you should deal it and shoot for them too. I hope this blog inspired you today.

Full House Trivia

Every time I am out to dinner with someone having a nice conversation about Full House they have to go and ruin it. Basically people are always trying to test me about it. I don't have anything to prove about Full House FYI. Just because I introduce myself as the world's foremost authority on Full House it's like I am giving the green light to try and make me look stupid. I know more about Full House than anyone could ever know but that doesn't mean I know everything.

Some jerk is always like hey if you know so much about Full House then what was the name of the dog who came to the house and gave birth to Comet. I give the same answer every time - shut up you faggot. Just because, fine maybe I don't know answers to questions like that but why are people always trying to ruin the one thing in my life that's going right?

Besides, there is a big difference between knowing stupid Full House trivia and actually knowing where the show is coming from on a spiritual level. Sure I have won a lot of money playing Full House trivia in chat rooms online but those days are behind me. There is more to the show than just knowing the name of the guy from the old folks home who DJ was friends with and invited home to judge the dog show but he got confused because he had Alzheimer's. So, so much more.

So for anyone reading this, the next time we talk you should know that I am above your petty trivia games. Half the time I even know the answers but I just don't want to give the question asker the satisfaction. Part of me wants to be like, lookit you weiner - Jesse's cousin from Greece who is also played by John Stamos is named Stavros. Yeah that's right, I knew the answer to that question so what do I win besides the look of amazement and love on your face right now?

Except for that I don't even answer those kind of questions anymore. I just shake my head and think out loud, man it's hard being way up here on this plane while you are down there on that one looking like a fool. The point of this blog is that it's hard being better than people but I am getting more used to it.

Methanie Tanner

I am always telling people about how I don't do meth. It's not like I couldn't do it if I wanted to, it's just not a very good idea. I had a friend named Stingray who started doing meth and it basically turned him gay. He was already kind of gay to begin with but only gay in the way that he played a lot of video games and had cats as pets. But then he started doing meth and became gay in the way that people are gay when they are a guy and they start having sex with other guys. So it's safe to say that I am a little afraid of meth.

The other day though I was drinking a glass of red wine and chewing on a xanax and I was like boy I'm tired and I've only been awake for like two hours. Maybe I should get some meth to keep me from falling asleep. But I was too tired to think about how I was going to get meth so I turned on the TV to Good Morning America and there was Jodie Sweetin aka Stephanie Tanner. She was talking all about how she used to do meth but doesn't anymore.

A lot of people know that she is a brilliant actress and jazz dancer but a lot of people forget that she was addicted to meth. I remember it a lot though. Every few weeks when I am about to do meth for the first time I remember it. It's just like, man if Stephanie can get addicted to meth with her awesome family support then what hope is there for people like me who don't even have a cool uncle?

So I watched Stephanie talk and couldn't even believe it. I was just like, why did Jesse and Joey not try to stop her? Danny is kind of an idiot so he gets a free pass but you can't tell me that those two guys never did meth or know people who did meth. It's San Fransisco for crying out loud. People who wear shirts like those two guys wear definitely hang out in places where people do meth. They should have seen it coming with Stef.

I guess the whole thing just makes me sad because it didn't have to happen. But yanno Joey was busy with the Ranger Joe show and Jesse had a family of his own and Danny and Vicki were falling in love and DJ was spending most of her time with Steve. So basically it makes sense that no one noticed that Stephanie was getting addicted to dangerous drugs. It makes me wonder what else was going on that no one knew about. Probably nasty stuff I bet.

The point of this blog is that meth is bad for you. Stephanie got addicted to it and now Full House isn't even on TV anymore. The reason I will probably never do meth is that I have my crap together and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Not even drugs - which I love.

Dr. Dare rides again

Wait until you hear what happened to me yesterday. Or keep reading and you won't have to wait. Basically remember how I said I was going to get that killer tattoo on my arm? Well I ended up having a day that was exactly like when Jesse decided to ride his motorcycle on the edge of the parking deck roof. Did I get the tattoo? Nope but read more to find out why not.

I do a lot of stupid things and I almost did one yesterday when I was about to get that tattoo. It's like how Jesse's friend came in town and starting making fun of him for losing his edge. Jesse used to be called Dr. Dare but his friend was like psh now you are more like Dr. Suess. Jesse was like F U punk I will take a dare and ride on the edge of that parking deck just like old times. This is a lot like me except my nickname used to be Cautious Chris because I didn't like dares. But me and Jesse both had nicknames.

So yesterday I felt like I had something to prove just like Jesse. Jesse went to ride his motorcycle on the edge of the parking deck - I went to the tattoo parlor. I was giving myself a pep talk the whole bus ride down there. Just reminding myself of how I am a badass and that soon I will be a tattood badass. Kind of like how Jesse wasn't barely afraid when he went back to the roof.

Well we all remember what happened to Jesse. He got on that ledge and he was about to ride again but he looked down and thought about his wife and family. Just then his wife ran up and started yelling at him so he decided not to ride. It was really mature of him. Well I was pretty mature myself if I do say so myself. Even though no one came to rescue me from the tattoo parlor, when the tattoo guy was turned around I got up and ran straight out the door and hid behind some piles of garbage for a few hours.

While I was back there I was just thinking about Jesse and about how he didn't have anything to prove. He already rode on that rooftop and he didn't have to do it again just to be cool. Just like me and the tattoo except that I have never actually gotten a tattoo. And Jesse realized that his family was more important than dying by falling off the ledge. Just like I realized that my family is more important than a tattoo.

Basically I learned a lot about what it feels like to be a grown up yesterday. It feels good to know that getting that tattoo wasn't going to make me one bit cooler than I am right now. Thanks (again) Jess-man.

Awesome is only skin deep

I woke up this morning an hour before the alarm because I was thinking about stuff. There is a lot of pressure on me about the blog these days but I can handle all that. What I was thinking about is about how I don't have a tattoo. Some days I can live with it but other days it is almost too much to take.

The problem with tattoos is that you can't get rid of them. As much as I love tattoos, I love getting rid of things even more. A tattoo is a thing that I could see wanting to get rid of pretty much the first time somebody ever made fun of it. For years I have been trying to think up the perfect tattoo that nobody could ever even make fun of no matter how hard they tried. They would start to want to make fun of it but then they would just blurt out - you're a badass. And I would agree to let them buy me dinner.

There is only one flaw to this plan which is that I can't think of a tattoo to get. Lord knows I have spent enough time around tattoos to be able to have thought of one by now. But it's like the pressure is building just because I don't have a tattoo and it's pretty stupid to get your first one when you are old as me. I have a plan for that too, I am going to not tell anybody that I got it and then whenever they point it out I will be like oh wow are you just now noticing that because I almost forget that it's there after eight years. Then they will feel dumb and my secret will be safe.

So you can see that I have plans for everything but what the tattoo is going to be of. Well when I was awake this morning I was just trying to accept the fact that there is only one perfect tattoo in history and Jesse already has it. That tattoo has wings and a circle in the middle but these aren't the only cool parts about it. It is the perfect tattoo for his wardrobe because he has a lot of shirts with no sleeves just like me. It is also the perfect size and shape for his athletic arms and Mediterranean skin tone. So where does this leave me?

I'll tell you where it leaves me - right back here on the internet blogging about Full House at 5AM. Since I was awake, I decided to do a little research on his tattoo. What I found out was so shocking I almost barfed. It seems that Jesse's famous, lovely, perfect tattoo....is a fraud.

That's right, John Stamos (the actor who portrayed Jesse Katsopolis on Full House) has no such tattoo. I took a couple of pain pills to help take the edge off and also to help me decide what to do. Does the fact that this tattoo was fake mean that it wasn't so cool as I thought it was? F that it's probably twice as cool as I even think it was. So this can mean only one thing...this tattoo is up for grabs.

Since nobody has this perfect tattoo in real life, I guess it's time for me to change that. I immediately begun drawing one on my own arm that I am going to get tattood on later today. I even skipped work so I could go get it done right after my nap. Tomorrow's blog will be about how jealous you are.