Confessions

Lots of times people are very impressed with how much I have been able to take Full House and use it to not do stupid things or to make me feel better when bad things happen to me that aren't my fault at all. It wasn't always this easy though and today I am going to confess about how. Let me take you back to 2002 for a minute.

2002 was a really bad year for me. It was bad for about 5 reasons. First of all I was fatter than I am right now so that wasn't very much fun. Second of all I decided to take ephedra instead of exercising to not be fat which made me really jumpy and nervous. Third of all I decided to smoke narcotics every day to counteract the ephedra but that only made it a whole lot worse. Fourth of all snacks were the only thing that made me feel better. And fifth of all I was addicted to Lizzie McGuire.

When I set out to start this blog I said that it wasn't going to be about other TV shows but I am breaking that rule now. My Lizzie McGuire period taught me a lot of lessons and now it's time for me to teach you a lot of lessons. So here goes.

When I met Lizzie McGuire I was confused and addicted to things. My life was pretty dirty and I thought Lizzie could help me clean it up. Boy was I an idiot for thinking that. If anything it only made everything dirtier. Of course it took me a while to see that.

I was a lost soul searching for truth and so I went to where every 22 year-old man eventually goes for truth - the Disney Channel. I watched several of their shows like That's So Raven and other shows that had Raven on it. None of them were meant for me though. Then I found Lizzie and it spoke to me. I decided that show would be my new best friend.

Lizzie was there for me during a really dark period and we had some good times. During certain periods of my life I felt as close to Gordo as I had felt to Jesse. Or at least I thought I did. It's funny how the heart lies when you need it to.

Looking back I can't believe what a fool I was. At the time though it seemed to make so much sense. It made me feel things that only Full House had made me feel. I was caught up in its cartoon interludes and funny sound effects. It was fun and new and exciting. I was forgetting about Full House and I liked it.

We lived in harmony for a while but it eventually became clear that things couldn't last forever. Once I had seen every episode about five times, the magic slowly began to fade. I knew what I had to do.

I moved an hour and a half away and lived in my parents' attic for four months. No drugs, no sunlight, no phone calls and most importantly - no Lizzie. Luckily for me I had bought a Nintendo at a local gaming hole to help me pass the time. During this period of life, I started to realize that I was searching for something I had already found. That something was and is and forever shall be Full House.

Lizzie was a fad and Full House is timeless truth. Lizzie put on an elaborate masquerade but eventually the mask had to come off. Once it did, I could see Lizzie for what it was. A false prophet, a graven image, a Judas Priest.

Eventually I found my way back to Full House and begged its forgiveness. I offered to be its eternal servant for my wayward ways. But Full House opened its arms to me and ordered the fatted calf to slaughter in my honour. All was forgiven.

So if you ever wondered if I had sinned against Full House, wonder no more. But this benevolent show is truth incarnate. If you yourself have strayed fear not. You can take a thousand steps away from Full House but it is only one step back. I am living proof.