9021 Whoa

So tonight I was kicking it on the futon and something amazing started happening on the TV right before my very eyes. Now before I go any further I should say that I haven't forgotten that this blog is about Full House and Full House alone but just stick with me because this relates back to it. Anyway, I have been feeling like lately I need to bring it on back to my roots and get into a show again that is more for tweens. So I have been shopping them around. Tonight I landed on the new version of Beverly Hills 90210, cleverly titled 90210.

I am sure you all remember about some of my post Full House soul searching - like my addiction to Lizzie McGuire. I am also man enough to admit that I experimented with Seventh Heaven and dabbled in My So-Called Life. None of these ever replaced Full House in my eyes but still it was nice in some ways for something new to come along and distract me. If anything watching other shows only makes me love Full House more, mostly by how they never even come close to stacking up. So other shows kind of put Full House's greatness into perspective for me.

Anyway, back to the story about how I turned on 90210. So basically I turned on 90210 and started watching it and I was enjoying it. Seeing Brenda and Kelly again was like a trip down memories lane. But then something incredible happened. There is a new guy on the show who is like the main guy who is principal of West Beverly High School. Well guess who his dang wife is? That's right, Aunt Becky.

Now I know what you are thinking - that lucky bastard. But then you are like wait a minute - she plays a mom on the show and her kids are in high school. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Aunt Becky is like 26. She would have had to have had those kids when she was like 8 or 10 years old for that to work out, which is really gross to think about.

Well I decided to just stop worrying about the age thing and trust Aunt Becky to be able to act her way out of it by acting older than she really is. All in all she did a great job at this. So I kept on watching and the show was pretty much awesome and it kind of made me sad. It's hard to admit to myself that Aunt Becky has moved on. All incredible things must pass I suppose but still, it was tough watching her.

As tough as it was though, I will be back. It's good to know Aunt Becky is ok and moving forward. I wish her the best of luck. If you're reading this, call me girl.

Wow

So basically the outcry has been overwhelming for me to not stop this blog. Now I am starting to reconsider based on the literally tens of emails I have already got about it. Basically I am going to get really drunk tonight and then sleep on it.

Some days I think I am totally ready to give the blog up and move on. Other days I think that I was born to blog and blogging is the only thing I have ever been good at. Pretty much you could say that I am confused and scared. And this is a good example of that.

I guess I feel a lot like Danny felt after he was getting pressured by Jesse and Joey to start dating again after his wife had only been cold and dead in the ground for like six months. Well as I am sure you remember, Danny made a date with a lovely young woman and then he called her back and canceled the date. Then he reconsidered and called her back again and said that the previous call was his evil twin Manny Tanner and that the date was back on. Then some other stuff happened that I forget about right now.

The point is though, Danny was scared and confused and also he was talking crazy talk. He felt schizophrenic which is how I feel and some people say I am. So he blamed his other half.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the last blog was by my evil twin Manny Tanner. In other words, the blog is back on. Unless I decide tomorrow that it isn't. You will have to stay tuned to my blog to find out.

Hey, I made something in my life relate to Full House. Looks like I still gots it. See you tomorrow!

Fine you win

So basically the other day someone was talking to me about Full House and also about my Full House blog. They were like hey when you are blogging do you ever notice how all your blogs seem to be about how you are going to keep blogging? And also about how all your blogs are about the blog itself? And about how pretty much the word blog is the only word you even care about?

I guess this huge douchebag has a point. If there is one thing I hate it's when people don't know when to stop. Pretty much this blog is one of the greatest things that has ever been on the internet. I don't think anyone would argue that and if they did I would tell them to shut up. Because of my legacy as one of the top five greatest bloggers in the history of blogs and blog-related websites, I can't allow anything less than genius blogs to be posted on my blog. Basically the blog has made me so famous that I no longer have time to blog the way I used to blog so the blog will be going on indefinite hiatus effective immediately.

I want to thank everyone for all of your support and also your constant praise of me and my blog. I want to apologize for all the things on Full House I never got to blog about - specifically when Kimmy was keeping an ostrich in her backyard and it reached over the fence and bit Jesse on the head. Man that was a great episode. I just couldn't figure out what that was like in my life which is pretty ironic considering I think about that episode several times a day.

Anyway, I want to say to Full House that I love you and I will always use your lessons to make my life way better. Which isn't hard because a lot of times my life is pretty sucky. But you help for it to suck less and I appreciate it.

I will miss you all but since most of you are people I know on stuff like facebook things will pretty much be exactly the same as they always were except we won't talk about how hilarious my latest blog is. This will probably work out ok until I start craving the attention again and do something else that I guilt you into reading or watching or listening to.

I guess the point is that I am a genius and I had fun making this blog. I was lost out there and all alone and this blog was waiting to carry me home. And it did.

Without further ado I will leave you with this:

Zoobadoo bop bah dowwww!


PS - leave comments on this blog about me being awesome. Thanks.

-Rush Hour Renegade

Insulted

So tonight I was hanging out with a guy who has been a huge fan of the blog since about day three. He was talking about my latest blog and about how I was winding down to quit. Immediately I got really angry and sick to my stomach but I pushed it all down inside because I wanted to see where he was going with this. He went on to congratulate me on keeping the blog going as long as I did. I choked back a little vomit and washed the vomit back down my throat with beer. He stared at me and I knew I had to say something.

I told my friend that blogging about Full House is in my blood so don't go digging my grave just yet. I could tell by the look on his face that he was extremely impressed. Sure I could have run down a million Full House analogies like comparing my tenacity to Michelle learning to ride the bike or comparing my commitment to Joey coming back to comedy after quitting or comparing my fearlessness to Stephanie overcoming her fear of the dentist . Because that's just how easy it is. Everything that happens in my life is like something that happened on Full House and I just don't see how I can't continue to blog about that forever.

It seems like the streets may be saying this blog is thinking about closing shop. This isn't something I can turn off people so get used to a lifetime full of Full House blogs delivered hot and fresh from me. This is my life homey you decide yours.

I guess you could consider this blog a warning to all the haters and doubters. I'm straight up in this.

The Secret Files Vol. Infinity

So it looks like basically a lot of people are wondering about the future of the blog and what is going to happen about it. I am a pretty mysterious guy most of the time but since you have all made me totally rich and famous from this blog I am going to let you in on some little secrets about how I have been able to write so many amazing blogs in such a small period of time.

This is the first secret which I will start calling secret number 1 from now on. Secret number 1 is that I have been waiting my whole life to start this blog. I have been saving up ideas for this blog since before blogs were even invented. It's not really a surprise that I was able to fire off so many amazing blogs right from the start huh. If I am not blogging so much as I used to it's because I ran out of backlogged ideas so get off my junk about it.

OK so secret number 2 is pretty much the same as secret number 1 except it is a more specific version of it. Secret number 2 is that when I started this blog I was writing like 3 of these a day and just saving them. Remember about how I said I was totally mysterious? Well I was making it look like I was blogging every day but I was really just popping off some stale blogs I had been saving up inside the blog. There is a place for saved drafts in here and it comes in handy for faking the appearance of a steady blog output. This is probably some kind of blogger's trick but since I never heard about any one else doing it I am just going to take credit for inventing it.

I guess I am pretty much at secret number 3 now. Secret number 3 is that from the start I wasn't working alone on coming up with ideas. Lots of people were writing me emails and being like hey blog about this and I wrote them back and said ok fine I will. Then I would make a totally incredible blog and take all the credit for it. This worked out really well for me. The problem is that all the idea givers got either pissed off with me or bored and they quit feeding me the ideas. Pretty much it has been a problem.

Well now you know all of my secrets that were going on behind the scenes. This blog went from a tiny idea into a giant corporate machine with teams of writers working around the clock to bring hilarious and brilliant Full House blogs to the masses. But then those teams quit and left me here with this dumb blog that I have to keep up with. Even though it's rewarding it's also really hard and annoying and I don't do too good with either of those things.

I guess the fate of this blog reminds me a lot of the fate of Full House itself. As I am sure everyone remembers, Full House never had a series finale episode. ABC just canceled it in the off season with no warning. It was pretty much incredibly rude considering what an awesome show it had been. But ABC just did what it had to do.

After ABC canceled the show, I spent the next 13 years (1995-present) extremely angry about it. But today I think I understand what they must have been thinking. If there is no last episode then there is no reason to say goodbye and you can just spend the rest of your life fantasizing about what the characters are up to. That is what I do every day and it is usually the best part of my day. So even though I am still pissed that they don't make new Full Houses, I am glad they never officially ended it.

That is the point of today's blog. Well there are two points actually. The first point is that I will never end this blog even if I can't blog so much as I used to. Full House showed me that officially ending things is retarded. The second point is that you better start emailing me some blog ideas if you want more awesome blogs. I guess you could leave the ideas as comments but that makes it way harder for me to take complete credit for them which I love.

Well I hope you are all happy about how I leveled with you today.

The Beer Incident - Final Explanation

One thing people keep bringing up to me all the time everywhere I go is about the one episode of Full House where Jesse busts DJ at the school dance because she is holding a beer. All my friends and also people who don't like me are like, hey tough guy if Jesse is so cool then why did he have a problem with DJ drinking beer at the school dance? It's like people are out to get me and prove that Jesse isn't so cool as I know he is. Obviously that is a lot like trying to prove gravity isn't real but even though I know gravity is real it's really to hard to prove that it's real just like it's hard to prove that Jesse is the coolest. I am man enough to admit that this episode has even made me question how cool Jesse even is. Not for long but for like 2 seconds. Anyway, I have figured it out so ready here goes.

Now before I totally begin, let me tell you something that you already know. Beer is awesome and you should drink it wherever you go. Of course Jesse had to know this - I mean he was in a rock band and him and Rippers were probably drinking beers left and right all day long. So the question is why would Jesse start harshing DJ's mellow by taking her beer away at the school dance. Well it's actually pretty simple.

One thing I learned about a long time ago is that you can't drink beer at school. If you want to drink it there anyway then you are going to have to do it in the parking lot like a regular American instead of in the hallway drinking it out of your locker like a retard. Even though the beer wasn't even DJ's beer she was holding it in the hallway which made her look like a damn fool. It's no wonder Jesse snatched it away from her, drinking beer in the hall is totally retarded. There is a right and a wrong way to drink at school dances. DJ was doing it wrong.

It's not that Jesse didn't want DJ to be drunk at the school dance because he did. His band was the one playing at the dance and I am sure the Rippers sound about eight billion times better when you have a cool one in your hand. So the question is, what was the problem then? The problem was that underage drinking is something you have to do in secret and DJ wasn't doing that so Jesse made her pay. I bet after DJ and Jesse got home they had a talk that went something like this.

DJ, if you want to get totally fucked up at a school dance then you should remember that this is why god invented pills and cough syrup. You can't even barely get in trouble for that especially if it is already in your body when you show up but beer can get you suspended and you aren't going to be able to get into Stanford like how you want. But anyway Deej if you just have to be drunk off beer at a school dance then at least be smart about it and wash your pills down with some while you are driving to the dance. That way you can throw the bottles out the window to get rid of the evidence and you will be drunk when you show up. Honestly though Donna Jo you can't just hang around with a bottle of beer in the hallway at school because even though it makes you a huge badass it also makes you a huge retard so from now on you need to plan ahead and get hammered way before the dance even starts. Also think about dropping acid because there is no evidence of that either but I am not going to apologize for taking your beer away because you were acting like a moron.

Now doesn't that sound like a good explanation? Obviously the show was too short for that part to be included but I am pretty sure that is what Jesse had to say about the whole thing. Jesse just wanted to make sure DJ was drinking smart so she could underage drink for many years to come.

I just hope we can all put this episode behind us and everyone can stop bringing it up. I am obviously right about what happened so let's move on please.

Heroes

Everybody should know about something if you don't already know about it. I am a guy who likes to have heroes. Basically people are my heroes if they do things that takes a lot of balls or if they are mostly a lot more awesome than I am. As you can imagine, there aren't many people who fit this bill so I spend a lot of my time carefully picking heroes. A hero can't just be any old bro - he has to be a dude who is so awesome that nobody could ever argue different. Tough to find huh? Well I can usually find them.

If you want some examples of my heroes then keep reading. Probably one of my biggest heroes is Andre 3000. He is a hero for two reasons. Reason #1 is that he is f-ing boss at rapping and can dominate the whole world at it almost. But that isn't the only reason I like him, lots of people are great at rapping who I hate. So obviously it is more complicated than that. Reason #2 why I like him is because he does a lot of awesome things with his hair. Like sometimes it is a fro and sometimes it is relaxed like Dark N' Lovely style or also sometimes it can be braided. See why he is my hero? I admire a guy who takes pride in his hair (like Jesse duh) and also who can rap like all get out. So he is probably my number one hero.

OK well he is not my only hero. Ricky Williams is also pretty much my hero too. The reason he is my hero is because he got kicked out of football for getting high and not giving a freak. I think that's awesome. It's like even though he made a million dollars playing with footballs he wasn't going to let anyone be the boss of him. He was like, psh if I can't smoke drugs in my free time then my whole life is going to be free time because guess what I quit. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge quitter. Ricky Williams quit football on the top of his game so that he could do yoga and put whatever he wanted into his body. In a nutshell, that is what I did when I quit law school and I was heavily inspired by Ricky. Do the math: Ricky Williams=hero

I know what you are probably thinking, are all of your heroes black? Well no you idiot some of them are hispanic like Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (no explanation needed on why this little badass is my hero) but some of them are just plain old white people. The problem with white people though is that white people are always letting me down. A good example of a white person who keeps letting me down is Dave Grohl. He is what I like to call an ex-hero and here is why.

Dave Grohl used to be awesome and everybody knows it. He was awesome at drums and awesome at rocking and awesome at life. His voice was awesome and his hair was awesome and basically he traveled the globe on a magic chariot made of solid awesome. No one would even try to refute this. The problem is, he just got really old and when he got old he got cheesy and also not very funny anymore. All the songs he writes and sings sound like old songs he has already sang and it pisses me off. He isn't keeping it fresh and I think he is phoning it in. This is not acceptable. Obviously I had to fire him as my hero even though it was painful for both of us. It really taught me a lesson though.

When I think about my own heroes, I also think about Jesse's heroes. In case you don't know, Jesse's heroes were Sammy Davis, Jr. and Elvis Presley. You know what they both have in common? They are both dead. Jesse knew something that it took me years to learn - dead heroes are way better than living ones because dead people only get cooler and living people only get gayer. It's so simple it's genius. See Elvis is a perfect hero because since he is dead there is no way he can suck any more than he already sucks right now. Dave Grohl doesn't offer this kind of guarantee - until he dies I only see the sucking getting worse. Sometimes I fantasize about him dying just so he can be my hero again but I doubt he is going to give me that satisfaction. Besides he has already ruined it for himself anyway probably. Once you fire a hero there is no going back.

I am not really in the market for a new hero these days because the separation of me and Dave Grohl has been a painful divorce. One day I might love a hero again like I once loved Mr. Grohl but it won't be any time soon. And if that day ever comes I will remember what Jesse has taught me - when it comes to heroes, pick a dead one. Dead people never let you down.

Bootie Call

One thing a lot of people don't know about is how it is hard to write blogs all the time. It's not like I run out of ideas or ever will run out of them, I just forget which things from Full House go with what thing that ended up happening in my life. Sometimes I try to write down ideas but a lot of really good ones get away. They are usually replaced by even better ones so it is fine but still I wish I could remember every genius thing I ever came up with, but there are so many that I have to be realistic and just know that some I am going to forget.

People always want to know about what will happen if I work through all the scenarios from Full House. Will I just shut down the blog and say that everything is covered? Not bloody likely. The thing about Full House is that it's so universal that one thing that happens on Full House can help you with like 15 things that happen in real life. Here is an example about that:

Take for instance the world famous episode where Stephanie loses Mr. Bear. This could be about lots of different things. It could be about losing something (obviously) or it could also be about being forced to grow up too soon because your stuffed animal is gone. It could also be about someone stealing something from you and hiding it like Michelle did or it could also be about your smug older sister telling you to get over something even though she is still totally in love with her gay Pillow Person which shows what a hypocrite she is. It could also be about your family making you feel better when something terrible happens even though my family never does that so I would never blog about that. I am just saying that it's possible. Anyway see how easy it is to blog about Full House? I will never run out of ideas because I will be dead way before that happens.

I guess if I had to compare Full House to anything I would compare it to the bible. The bible is a book that is really long but nothing has been written in it for millions of years. Still, people talk about it all the time. You know why? I bet you don't so I will tell you why. There are life lessons in there that can be fit into pretty much any situation that would ever happen to you. Just because they stopped writing the bible doesn't mean they stopped having church. And just because they stopped making Full Houses doesn't mean I will ever stop this blog. The ideas are just too endless so you might as well settle in for a lot more blogging by me.

Sometimes though I start to get really upset and have panic attacks when I forget an awesome blog idea. Something happens in my life that goes perfect with something from Full House but then when it's time to blog I can't remember. This reminds me a lot of when Jesse was taking care of the twins when they were basically first born and the twins had names on their booties so people could tell them apart. Well Jesse pulled the booties off and then couldn't figure out which pair of booties went with which baby. Needless to say he was freaking out. He didn't need to be freaking out though, he should have just remembered that it would work itself out eventually.

That is just like me - sometimes I forget which things from my life go with which things from Full House. But then I am like you know what, it doesn't matter which booties goes on which twin, the booties fit either twin and the twins look exactly alike anyway so quit worrying about it. I guess the point of today's blog is that even though running this blog is really hard, I am awesome at it and will never stop so everyone should just calm down.

Passing the test

So basically I talk to all of these other bloggers who are totally famous off their blog too and we brag to each other about blogging. Like bragging about times when blogging was the last thing we should have been doing like when you are blogging in someone's spare bedroom at a party or you were blogging when you were supposed to be going to court. I guess most bloggers think they are badasses and these guys were all bragging about the times when they had blogged drunk and high. They asked me if I had ever done that and I told the truth: that isn't how I roll.

Everyone started laughing at me and calling me a blog noob. They were like man you just don't know anything about yourself as a blogger if you haven't blogged drunk and high. So I decided that tonight I would try it. So far it's pretty scary.

When it comes right down to it, I run a blog about Full House. Blogging about Full House is more of a morning-type activity. These days I am barely ever drunk and high in the morning. Therefore, no I have never blogged drunk and high. But that doesn't mean I don't know who I am as a blogger. I blog about Full House, end of story. Obviously I know about what kind of blogger I am.

But when I told these other bloggers that they were like, psh whatever how about you get drunk and high and write a blog and then come talk to us. I wanna see what the precious little morning blogger does when he's fucked up on a Saturday night.

As you can imagine, I hated all of these guys. But even though I hated them, I also felt like I had something to prove to them. So that's why I had to give it a whirl. And as I referenced before, that night is tonight.

I don't know about you guys but this blog is getting pretty close to done and I think it's gone pretty well. I don't feel like it's my best blog or even in the top half, but I got the job done. It's just one more thing that proves to me what a blog master I have truly become. I can blog no matter what planet I feel like I am on. That's a great feeling.

Anyway, I hope all you naysayers leave me comments about how I stepped up to bar and then went sailing over the bar in triumph. I feel like I proved something to the world tonight. But more importantly, I proved something to myself.

Bar Humiliation

Last night I was at a bar with my friend. Lots of times waitresses sit down at our booth because we drink a lot and tip pretty good and plus are also hilarious. I don't remember why she was sitting there or what we were talking about but pretty soon we were talking about Full House. This waitress said that she had seen every episode at least fifteen times. In my mind I doubled her tip on the spot. She went on to talk about her shame of it. Boy was she speaking my language or what. Shame and Full House are probably my two favorite things to think about and talk about. Let's just say this was my favorite waitress I had ever had.

So she was saying, I just hate to tell people that I know basically every line of every episode. It's embarrassing. I said, well it can be. It's tough to talk about. It can be a bit of a car in the kitchen, can't it?

Her eyes lit up like the sun. She knew exactly what I was talking about. I thought for a minute she was going to hug me but she ended up staying on her side of the table. That was fine with me, if I hugged everybody I talk about Full House to I would pretty much do nothing but hugging all the time. Besides, it was reward enough that I was totally making her day.

She started talking about how Stephanie backed the car into the kitchen and it totally smashed through the wall. And how Michelle was trying to tell everybody about the car in the kitchen but nobody believed her. And then she started talking about how there was a cement truck and it was dumping cement into the car or the house. Then she stopped and stared at me. Wait, she said - was that the same episode or a different one?

I stared back at her. My friend stared at me. I totally froze up. Now it was my turn to feel the shame. I was quiet. We all were. Finally I looked down and stuttered - I...I don't know.

If I could have shot myself in the face in that moment I would have. It was a really awkward situation for all of us. I had been bragging about my knowledge of the show and I referenced an episode that I guess I don't really know all that well. It completely humiliated me and I hope it will serve as a wake up call.

Needless to say, I didn't tell the waitress about my blog. How could I? I make a fool out of myself by not being able to distinguish between two Full House scenarios and then I am going to expect her to read my blog? That's insane. I would have no right to expect her to read my blog. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.

The waitress soon got up from our table and didn't come back to sit again. I think she must have been trying to spare my feelings or protect me from further embarrassment. I appreciated that and actually triple tipped her (I call this "trip tip" - it is my standard practice for when I make a jackass out of myself at a bar). My friend and I didn't talk much after this incident and he was pretty disappointed in me. Heck, I was pretty disappointed in myself.

I woke up this morning a little on the foggy side. I remembered a conversation about Full House but I was hoping that I dreamed it. When I fully realized that it had actually happened, it felt more like a nightmare. I can't stop thinking about it. I am never going to let that happen to me again. There is only one choice for me: I must begin watching a minimum of two episodes a day until I cycle through the entire series again. I can't run this blog so rusty. If I learned nothing from my pain last night, I learned that. Consider this blog my renewed commitment to the show.

Blog blog

So today has been the most horrible day ever of my blogging career. Pretty much I started writing a blog this morning and everything was going fine. As usual it was totally hilarious and incredible except it wasn't really coming together at the end like it usually does. So I changed a little of the front part so it would tie in to the ending. It tied in to the ending alright but then the middle part was all jacked up. So I tweaked the middle and that threw off the beginning again. Needless to say I was really pissed and my company would have been too if they had known I had spent like almost two hours on that blog instead of working. But I am an artist and I felt like I had to finish it. But the more I changed it, the worse it got and more I was wanting to kick somebody in the balls. I needed a breather.

I took a really long lunch and thought about what was going wrong with the blog. I just couldn't figure it out. It was like one of those tricky games they sell at Cracker Barrel that is like three metal rings hooked together and if you twist them just right they come apart but it takes you like five hours to figure out how so you end up f-ing with it for your whole meal and you are so pissed and frustrated that you have to buy it and take it home until you figure it out or you will never be able to get over it and move on with your life. That is how this blog was feeling to me.

No matter how many things I moved in the blog though it just wouldn't budge. It wasn't becoming the blog I wanted it to be. What was worse it included a story about me doing one of the most awesome things I have ever done. I can't tell it now though, that is a gem for another day. OK fine I will tell it now.

When I was 14 I came up with a plan to dip an old shirt in gasoline, wrap the gas-soaked shirt around the end of a sharpened stick, light it on fire and throw it javelin-style into a gigantic hornets nest full of angry hornets of doom. I totally launched the stick into the nest and it burst into flames. It was freaking awesome to see it go up in flames and lots of the hornets were flying around on fire - no joke. As you can imagine I got attacked by a few of the firey hornets and I ran down the street squealing like a bitch in front of all my friends and I rolled on the ground until they were done stinging me. Doesn't that sound cool to think about? It doesn't even make sense in this blog but I wanted to tell it anyway so there you have it.

Anyway, obviously that blog just wasn't meant to be. After working on it all day long I decided to just scrap it and blog about how pissed I am about the old blog. That all reminded me of when Michelle was trying to earn her HoneyBee badge in cooking on Full House. She kept making cookies over and over but they all sucked. Everyone was trying to not hurt her feelings but they were also trying not to barf from the awful cookies. Well Michelle just kept making more and all the cookies kept sucking so she was like, screw this I am done trying to earn that HoneyBee badge. I took that as inspiration to quit trying to make that blog happen. The moral of the story was that sometimes it is fine to quit.

Now that I think about it Michelle either quit or she kept on trying until she succeeded. I don't really remember to be honest. It's not important now. All that's important is that her cookies sucked and that blog sucked and people shouldn't have to choke down either one. If you are a fan of this blog and you don't think this one is up to snuff then you can suck it. This is the blog you are getting today and you are lucky that you are getting any blog at all.

Late Bloomer

So everyone keeps telling me that I need to grow up. Or that I have a lot of growing up left to do like maybe I have started growing up but not gotten very far with it. In some ways I have always had to deal with this, mostly because I am late bloomer. Sometimes I don't even bloom at all. Personally I just feel like everyone needs to shut up and that they are out to get me and make me feel bad. I can't help not blooming on time.

It took me a really long time to learn how to tie my shoes pretty much because I didn't want to learn. My shoes were all velcro and I wasn't in the mood to stop wearing velcro shoes. Since I wasn't totally allowed to pick my own shoes back then I didn't want to risk getting switched from velcro to laces so I just refused to learn how to tie a shoe. Eventually though people kept picking on me about it (they were out to get me as usual) so I just went ahead and learned. It wasn't very hard because I was about 10 by then.

That isn't even the only example about me being a late bloomer. I was like 15 years old before I ever even did a drug. Hard to believe but it's true. And I was like 16 before I ever shoplifted anything. Gosh I am going to stop, this is getting embarrassing telling everyone how long it took me to do things.

See the problem with me is, people are always trying to do things for me instead of letting me learn them for myself. Everyone treats me like I am totally helpless. Obviously I am not totally helpless or I couldn't figure out how to make people do things for me all the time. I know how to look sad and confused at just the right time to make people be like, oh holy crap this will be easier if I just do it. That doesn't sound like a person who is helpless to me.

The only thing I can't seem to master is getting people to teach me things. This can be good and bad. Like at work, there is a girl who knows a lot of important things like where the printers are. I don't want to learn about where the printers are so I just ask her to print something out if I need it and also ask for her to go get it and also for her to bring it to me. She doesn't seem to have a problem with this and acts like it is faster than if I were doing it alone. When she is absent from work though, I can't print anything. Not my blogs, not pictures I make in paintbrush - nothing. Only then do I wish I knew the stuff she knows.

I also start to worry sometimes like what if she dies. If she dies I will never be able to print anything again without having to tell someone that I never knew how to print in the first place. I would never tell anyone that so I am totally screwed if she dies.

Basically this late blooming problem I have reminds me a lot of Michelle and her training wheels. I am sure you remember that one episode where Joey took her bike riding with no training wheels and she told him to let go of her while she was riding. Well Joey did let go and Michelle totally smashed face first right into a huge bush. Then she blamed Joey for it even though he was just doing what she said for him to do. Don't worry they patched things up later.

But the point is, if I start asking people to let me do things on my own, I can see myself becoming a huge bitch about it like Michelle. I will probably blame people and pout and threaten them too. But I think it's important for me to start learning things. Pretty much now is my time to bloom.

Gun Safety

Ever since I can remember I have been really afraid of being shot. Think about it for a second, I figure about 50% of people end up getting shot at some point. John Lennon got shot, Biggie and Tupac got shot too, and I think Bob Marley got shot one time, and also that Mexican lady Selena got shot. It seems pretty clear that if good things start happening to you, people try and shoot you. So I decided to do something about it a while ago.

For a long time I was really against guns mainly because I didn't want to end up getting shot by one. But then it dawned on me that the only way to keep from getting shot is to shoot someone first. So I bought a gun and figured out how to shoot it.

I felt safer at first but then I started being afraid of someone snatching my gun away from me and shooting me with my own gun. So I started coming up with plans to protect the gun from getting snatched and used on me. For years I slept with the gun duct-taped to my chest but I got tired of having to buy duct tape and nair. It all just got really complicated so I hid the gun in a closet where towels go. No bad guy would think about looking in there.

After the gun was in the towel pantry I kind of forgot about it for a while. I didn't forget about getting shot - trust me I think about that multiple times a day - I just didn't spend as much time playing with the gun as I did in the past. I used to carry it a lot of places but now I leave it in its hiding spot. The other day it dawned on me how completely stupid this is. I spend so much time thinking about using my gun on a person that it never even dawned on me how many other awesome things I could use it on. Obviously that will require me carrying it around a lot more.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesse owned a gun. Part of me wants to say of course he owned a gun, look at what a huge badass he was. He drove a motorcycle, wore boots and had a bitchin' leather jacket. You would have to be a fool to think he wasn't packing. Well, fair enough on all counts, but how do you explain him never using it when it would have really came in handy?

Like how about the time Jesse and Stephanie and Michelle got trapped in that auto garage on Michelle's birthday? If Jesse would have had a gun on him he could have shot the lock off and escaped. But he didn't even mention being able to do this. Or how about when Jesse and the whole family was trapped on the subway that one time? Boy a gun would have sure been good to have then. Jesse could have saved everyone by shooting out a window of the train. Once again though, if Jesse had a gun he wasn't telling.

I have a theory about this. Of course Jesse owned a gun but like an idiot he never took it anywhere. I am going to let this be a lesson to me. Guns are not just for shooting people, they are for shooting a wide variety of things. And also, guns are not just for shooting things around the house. There is a whole world out there of things just waiting to get shot. If you leave your gun at home, you are just cheating yourself.

The point of this blog is that I will be carrying my gun a lot more. Not carrying your gun is just plain lazy, and if it's one thing I'm not it's lazy. Usually I think Jesse makes really fantastic decisions but this is one time where I have to call him out. Jesse, you have to bring your piece homey. It's a matter of safety.

Rival Blog!

Well it seems that I am not the only person who blogs about what Full House means to their life. Recently I found this entry from someone's blog. This is totally real by the way. Most of the crap I barf out on this blog is just made up but this isn't. So here goes:

Sunday, September 2, 2007

On the episode of "Full House" I just watched, D.J., (Candace Cameron) the oldest sister, bought a horse! It's name was Rocket and her best friend Kimmy Gibbler (Andrea Barber) helped her with the money. It costed 100 dollars per week for stable feed! That is a whole lot of money considering she had it for 2 weeks! I would never be able to pay that off! She kept it a secret from her dad (Bob Saget) for that long. Plus she lied about where she went after school. It never said what her punishment was, but she got in really big trouble. Trust me. I bet she couldn't watch T.V., use the phone, or have any friends over for a month at least! Considering her life, that must've been pretty harsh. The poor thing! At least she didn't get grounded in real life! That would've been so awful I would stay isolated in my room that whole time! Oh well.

The author describes herself in this way:

I am a pre-teenager that worships God. I was baptized when I was eight by my daddy. I have three siblings; Joey age 9, Abbie age 6, and Chloe age 4. My parents are Rob and Clarissa. I have participated in Music Mania once, and I am doing it again this year.

Can you believe this bullcrap? Who is this whore? Obviously this is some sort of rival masquerading as a religious child. Hiding behind God to throw me off. And what the balls is Music Mania? That isn't real. Psh.

No child could write a blog entry as brilliant as that. You would have to be plumb retarded to think those gorgeous words and enlightened insight came from some idiot kid. It's insulting really.

Here is how you can tell that it's a professional adult writer also. Look at how she said "it costed 100 dollars per week..." Nice try jerk! Making it seem cute and child-like is the number one red flag that it is not being written by a child but by a compensated adult. Not to mention the excess of exclamation points. Gah who do you think you are fooling?

Here is where you my loyal fanbase comes in. If you ever find a blog like this please tell me about it immediately. These are obviously professionals. Look at how they back-dated the blog to make it look like it was posted before my blog even existed. Man, these guys are good.

If you are reading this you "pre-teenager that worships God" then just know that I am on to you. Whoever hired you to take down my blog should just know that I will blog on toilet paper in a prison cell if it comes to that. You obviously have no idea who you're messing with.

Danny Tanner Explanation

It was recently been brought to my attention that this blog is ignoring a loud and vocal faction of Full House fans - the Danny Tanner faction. Actually I have known this from the start but I have just been ignoring it. If you want to know the truth, I don't care about Danny Tanner or fans of Danny Tanner. My problem is that thousands of the fans of this blog are also fans of Danny Tanner and I feel like I owe it to them to at least explain what my problem is.

It's not like I stay up all night thinking about how I don't care about him, it's just that we have nothing in common. I don't value being clean or my living space being clean so that is one major difference. I also don't have kids. Lots of people have kids and are cool about it but not Danny. In order to be cool about having kids, you should never talk about your kids. Danny broke this rule pretty much any time his mouth was open. I just can't respect that.

Kids are meant to be seen and not heard and rarely seen. This may sound weird coming from such a huge Michelle Tanner fan but just because she was funny on the show doesn't mean I want one or think your kid is funny. In fact, the opposite is true. She was the best kid ever and your kid isn't going to top her so why are you trying? It doesn't make sense to me.

Lately these days it seems like everyone I know is having a baby. The only reason I know this is that they tell me. Every time someone is talking about their dumb baby I just keep thinking "How rude" over and over. Eventually I make up a story about needing to go to the bathroom and I never come back. It's not my fault though, I didn't ask them to start talking about their kid.

Having a baby is like having a pet that never dies or runs away. Once you have it, you are just stuck with it. But people keep doing it like a bunch of retards. It blows my mind constantly.

Danny Tanner is a great example of this kind of person which is why I have nothing to say to him. Not only did he have a kid, he had three kids. This makes me wonder if he wasn't doing it on purpose. People who have kids on purpose end up becoming the worst kinds of parents - the kind who talk about their kids. It's like they are almost proud of themselves for doing what they did.

That is something else I really respect about Jesse - he had kids but he didn't see it coming at all. If you remember when he found out about Becky being pregnant, he pretty much fainted. Fainting is not what people do when they want kids. Jesse was totally caught off guard which makes me believe that he wasn't trying to make those kids. Sometimes bad things just happen to good people.

But Jesse shows what can happen to you if you have a kid - you can sometimes end up with two of those little assholes before you can turn around. If you will notice something though, Jesse and Becky never talked about having any more kids after they f-ed up and had those first two. That is how to handle yourself if you ever end up in a situation like that.

Basically I don't really like Danny Tanner because he is such a huge dad. I hate dads. Especially dads who try and tell you about their kids. Jesse was a dad but he just kept on talking about his hair and how much he wanted to rock. If I am ever a dad I hope this is the kind of dad I am.

So in closing, if you are a Danny Tanner fan you are going to have to start your own blog if you want to read about him because it won't be happening much here. And if you are a Danny Tanner fan it means you probably have a baby that you are trying to shove in my face and down my throat. I don't need that so go to hell. OK well I am glad you know where I stand now.

Ghetto Pass

One thing people are always reminding me about is that I am an incredible rapper. Sometimes I forget so I appreciate being reminded. I have been rapping for so long it's almost like I don't even stop to remember how great I am. Luckily a lot of people remember for me.

When I say that I can rap, I don't mean that I can rap along to a song on the radio. I mean that I spit hot fire and bitches better bow down, son. That's just the way it is.

More than anything though, people want to know how I got so great at it. Well it's pretty simple. I am from the ATL (the airport code for Atlanta, GA) and there is only two kinds of people in the ATL: white people and black people. Well when I grew up I was friends with both kinds of people.

Black people liked to be friends with me for a lot of reasons. First of all, unlike most white people who try to be friends with black people, I didn't try to talk and dress like black people. The black people I knew appreciated that. Second of all, I played drums. Black people like drums. If that is the sort of thing that you can't handle then don't come to the ATL.

So there I would be hanging around black people and they would tell me to play drums so that they could rap over the dope bangers I was laying down. I did it for them and they liked it. Except one time I busted out a fresh rhyme over my own beat and wowed the crowd. Not everyone was happy with me though.

Just like this blog, being a white person who out-raps a black person right to his face is controversial. Everyone knows that black people are great at rapping - but that doesn't mean every black person can rap. In fact, some of them are downright terrible at it. Those black people hated me for my skills.

But most black people appreciated me for my skills and not being afraid to show them my skills. As the years went by, I started to accumulate a lot of black friends. And not only was I friends with them, they were friends with me back. And we didn’t care about racism or anything like that, we just cared about rhyming and getting crunk.

If you want to know what my childhood was like, it was a lot like Michelle Tanner’s when she was in kindergarten. Remember her best friend Teddy? Yep, Teddy the little black boy. But then he moved to Texas so Michelle needed a new best friend. Remember her new best friend Denise? Yep, Denise the little black girl. Do you see a trend here?

What I am saying is, there were maybe two black people ever on Full House and they were both best friends with Michelle. You know why? Well hold on to your horses because I am about to tell you about something. That something is called a Ghetto Pass.

A Ghetto Pass is what black people give to white people when black decide that a white person is cool enough to keep it real with them. Justin Timberlake has a Ghetto Pass. Steve Nash also has a Ghetto Pass. Bill Clinton used to have one and probably still does but he might not. Regardless, Michelle obviously had a Ghetto Pass. And guess who else does too? That’s right – me.

Since the blog has been blowing up I don’t rap as often as I used to. But that doesn’t mean I forgot where I came from. I could still spit it if shove came to push and don’t you forget it.

You know pretty soon we might have a black person for a president. That will suck balls for all you racist white people out there who prayed to God every night that you would never see this day. But it won’t suck balls for me. Me and Michelle Tanner will be smoking Black & Mild’s on the South Lawn of the White House while your sorry white ass is watching through the fence. But that’s the luxury of the Ghetto Pass. Don’t be a hater on me for it.

Say Uncle

Basically my mom confronted me about the blog today. So I would just like to take this opportunity to say thanks to whoever reads my blog and hangs out with my mom and told her about it. I really appreciate you doing that because I don't have enough people in my life telling me about how I don't live up to their expectations. I obviously I have no way of knowing who you are but you know who you are and if the guilt kills you then so be it.

Anyway, she was pretty much on my case about glorifying things in my blog that I shouldn't be glorifying. Things like abusing substances and not being all that good at things. She reminded me of one crucial fact: I am an uncle.

That's right, for the past seven years I have been an uncle. It all started the day my brother's ex-girlfriend gave birth to his kid. I have been this kid's uncle ever since.

As far as I know he doesn't have any uncles except for me. I like not having any competition in the uncle department even though I would probably blow any other uncles out of the water. When it comes to being an uncle, Jesse is pretty much the best example of how to be one and I learned everything he knows. If you follow his lead all you have to do is be awesome and play in a band to be a perfect uncle. I don't play in a band right now but it's pretty obvious that I have the awesome part covered.

But my mom was all, look at your embarrassing blog and how much it is humiliating our family. In case you haven't noticed, our family can't really afford any more major embarrassments these days. The way you talk about drinking and smoking and cussing, what kind of example do you think that sets for your nephew?

I was like look lady, my nephew is going to end up doing a drug or two in his lifetime so you might as well just start accepting that now. Second of all, do you know what people love about me more than anything? They love that I keep it real. And my blog keeps it real. And I think that is a great example for any kid to follow.

My mom got tears in her eyes and told me that I was a hundred percent right as usual. Then she said that I had grown up to be twice the uncle that Jesse ever was. I said that she shouldn't get carried away but that I appreciated the compliment.

Then me and my nephew went in the back yard and shot a cat with a sling shot. I had a lot of fun today.

Karate Party

If you ever have a reason to spend an afternoon with me, you will probably find out pretty quick that I am obsessed with karate. I don't like karate movies or watching karate on TV, I just like talking about karate. Personally I didn't even take karate because my mom thought that I did enough fighting already and she wasn't going to pay somebody to teach me how to fight more. It kind of sucked too because I had a trampoline in my back yard and I used to stay up at night thinking about how awesome it would be for karate fighting.

I don't know why I even like it or what makes it so cool but all I know is that I can't stop thinking about it. If I had to guess I would say it's because I have always liked kicking things. That is what I liked about soccer so much - kicking things on purpose. It's fun but after a while you start to wish you were kicking things you are not supposed to kick like asses and faces. That is what I am into kicking these days.

But karate is more than kicking, it's also about yelling and chopping and learning how to beat people up with ancient karate moves. It's a lot more complicated than it looks. Sometimes I think about learning karate on the internet but I never do it. Basically you have to start when you are little if you want to be able to karate. I was robbed of that chance.

These days I get pretty mad whenever I see the episode of Full House where Joey gets tough and bans DJ from being in a karate tournament because she comes home late. I know he had to put his foot down but it's just like what the heck you damn queer if she doesn't learn karate now you are basically keeping her from ever knowing it. DJ had worked so hard at karate and he was crushing her dreams.

I know a thing or two about having my dreams crushed by not being allowed to do karate and I can tell you that it stinks. Banning DJ from the karate tournament, are you kidding me?!? Gah you bozo those lessons cost money and karate gives pride to kids. There is no excuse for what you did Joey, none at all.

Man, I am so worked up right now that I don't even remember what happens about the karate tournament. All I know is that I don't know karate and I'm pissed about it. I never want another child to feel this kind of pain. Everyone should get to do karate.

Confessions

Lots of times people are very impressed with how much I have been able to take Full House and use it to not do stupid things or to make me feel better when bad things happen to me that aren't my fault at all. It wasn't always this easy though and today I am going to confess about how. Let me take you back to 2002 for a minute.

2002 was a really bad year for me. It was bad for about 5 reasons. First of all I was fatter than I am right now so that wasn't very much fun. Second of all I decided to take ephedra instead of exercising to not be fat which made me really jumpy and nervous. Third of all I decided to smoke narcotics every day to counteract the ephedra but that only made it a whole lot worse. Fourth of all snacks were the only thing that made me feel better. And fifth of all I was addicted to Lizzie McGuire.

When I set out to start this blog I said that it wasn't going to be about other TV shows but I am breaking that rule now. My Lizzie McGuire period taught me a lot of lessons and now it's time for me to teach you a lot of lessons. So here goes.

When I met Lizzie McGuire I was confused and addicted to things. My life was pretty dirty and I thought Lizzie could help me clean it up. Boy was I an idiot for thinking that. If anything it only made everything dirtier. Of course it took me a while to see that.

I was a lost soul searching for truth and so I went to where every 22 year-old man eventually goes for truth - the Disney Channel. I watched several of their shows like That's So Raven and other shows that had Raven on it. None of them were meant for me though. Then I found Lizzie and it spoke to me. I decided that show would be my new best friend.

Lizzie was there for me during a really dark period and we had some good times. During certain periods of my life I felt as close to Gordo as I had felt to Jesse. Or at least I thought I did. It's funny how the heart lies when you need it to.

Looking back I can't believe what a fool I was. At the time though it seemed to make so much sense. It made me feel things that only Full House had made me feel. I was caught up in its cartoon interludes and funny sound effects. It was fun and new and exciting. I was forgetting about Full House and I liked it.

We lived in harmony for a while but it eventually became clear that things couldn't last forever. Once I had seen every episode about five times, the magic slowly began to fade. I knew what I had to do.

I moved an hour and a half away and lived in my parents' attic for four months. No drugs, no sunlight, no phone calls and most importantly - no Lizzie. Luckily for me I had bought a Nintendo at a local gaming hole to help me pass the time. During this period of life, I started to realize that I was searching for something I had already found. That something was and is and forever shall be Full House.

Lizzie was a fad and Full House is timeless truth. Lizzie put on an elaborate masquerade but eventually the mask had to come off. Once it did, I could see Lizzie for what it was. A false prophet, a graven image, a Judas Priest.

Eventually I found my way back to Full House and begged its forgiveness. I offered to be its eternal servant for my wayward ways. But Full House opened its arms to me and ordered the fatted calf to slaughter in my honour. All was forgiven.

So if you ever wondered if I had sinned against Full House, wonder no more. But this benevolent show is truth incarnate. If you yourself have strayed fear not. You can take a thousand steps away from Full House but it is only one step back. I am living proof.

I'm not afraid of feedback

Well it was only a matter of time before the blog became really controversial and apparently that time is right now. I read every piece of fan mail I get and basically a lot of the fan mail is from people who aren't fans. They think this blog is too easy and that I am not challenging myself. Take this fan mail for instance.

Dear Rush Hour Renegade,

Everyone under the sun can see how much you are exactly like Jesse in terms of coolness and great looks. Maybe you should blog about something harder like how you and Jesse are different. I bet you can't even come up with anything to blog about then. You should think about hanging up your keyboard.

-Miss Terbear

OK fine I can blog about all the reasons me and Jesse are two different people. First of all, I don't have a motorcycle. There are you happy? Now let's move on to the next fan mail.

Dear Rush Hour Renegade,

What kind of a loser are you? You must be a pretty big one since you hardly ever blog about Danny Tanner. I wish he was my dad. Maybe you should shut down the blog since you don't have time for him.

-Nick E. Inalex

I can't tell you how many times I get letters like this one. Lookit, I have the whole rest of my life to run this blog. Danny's time is coming so don't get your panties in a wad. If there is one thing I have to deal with every day it's that most people who read this blog have extremely wadded panties.

OK, looks like we have just enough time for one more letter.

Dear Rush Hour Renegade,

This is the worst blog I have ever read. Helen Keller could write a better blog with her eyes closed. You wish you were Jesse but you're not and you never will be so maybe you should go to hell and shut up when you get there. Jesse is 8 million times cooler than you so give up and kill yourself.

-Carrie U. Home

See these kinds of letters are probably the meanest but I don't care. If I was going to kill myself I already would have done it by now. I just print out these kinds of fan mail and put them in a folder marked "People Who Are Jealous Of Me." Actually there are five folders labeled this.

Anyway, I hope this just proves that I am not afraid to face my critics and keep on blogging just to spite them. This blog is about Full House but it's also about spite and making people jealous of me which is why I will never stop.

So to all my true fans, I have to go out of town for a few days so I won't be able to update my blog for a little while. I didn't want you to think that I had gave in to my critics and quit the blog or something but it might be a few days before I see you again.

If anything should happen to me and I end up being assassinated or something like that, I want one of my fans to keep the blog going please. My log in name is my email address and my password is Jesse69. Do me proud.

Shooting for the Stars

One thing that makes me sad is when people don't shoot for the stars. I shoot for the stars a little bit everyday and it has pretty much paid off. One time in high school this girl made a senior quote that said Shoot for the stars because even if you miss you'll land among the stars. I have never forgotten about that.

It's probably my favorite saying for a lot of reasons. First of all, I am a really good example of how it comes true. I wanted to be a professional musician but the streets weren't ready for it. Now I have a blog so I guess things worked out. I shot for the stars and missed but landed among the stars so there you have it.

Lots of people I know never even shoot for the stars. I don't know what they are shooting at but it certainly isn't the stars. Like the other day I was over at my friend's house and out of nowhere we started talking about Full House. He basically confessed that as a kid he was pretty much in love with DJ and as he got older his head would sometimes be filled with images of himself doing things with DJ physically. Needless to say I laughed in his face but not so hard that he told me to go home.

This is a good example of how my friend has been not shooting for the stars from a young age. I am not saying that DJ doesn't have a pretty face and a charming personality but she is not fantasy material at all. I told my friend about how I shoot for the stars and that even as a kid I wanted to break me off a piece of that Aunt Becky. So he laughed back in my face because he was like oh yeah right like you are really going to be able to get her away from Jesse. Then I told him that shooting for the stars means not worrying about things like that.

Any fool can see that Becky was the most desirable female on that show. Why would I settle for stupid DJ when Becky was vamping it up right in front of my face. I don't care about Jesse or having to fight him to get her. It's not like I haven't thought about having to fight him before. I am not afraid of that.

But the point is if you shoot for Becky you will probably end up with DJ. If you shoot for DJ you will probably end up with Kimmy. That's just how life works. That's how my stupid life works anyway. But my friend was like, you're retarded and you didn't get Becky or DJ or even Kimmy. I was like see I knew you wouldn't get it, and you wonder why I have a blog and you don't. Then he did tell me to go home.

But some people just can't deal with that I shoot for the stars. But you should deal it and shoot for them too. I hope this blog inspired you today.

Full House Trivia

Every time I am out to dinner with someone having a nice conversation about Full House they have to go and ruin it. Basically people are always trying to test me about it. I don't have anything to prove about Full House FYI. Just because I introduce myself as the world's foremost authority on Full House it's like I am giving the green light to try and make me look stupid. I know more about Full House than anyone could ever know but that doesn't mean I know everything.

Some jerk is always like hey if you know so much about Full House then what was the name of the dog who came to the house and gave birth to Comet. I give the same answer every time - shut up you faggot. Just because, fine maybe I don't know answers to questions like that but why are people always trying to ruin the one thing in my life that's going right?

Besides, there is a big difference between knowing stupid Full House trivia and actually knowing where the show is coming from on a spiritual level. Sure I have won a lot of money playing Full House trivia in chat rooms online but those days are behind me. There is more to the show than just knowing the name of the guy from the old folks home who DJ was friends with and invited home to judge the dog show but he got confused because he had Alzheimer's. So, so much more.

So for anyone reading this, the next time we talk you should know that I am above your petty trivia games. Half the time I even know the answers but I just don't want to give the question asker the satisfaction. Part of me wants to be like, lookit you weiner - Jesse's cousin from Greece who is also played by John Stamos is named Stavros. Yeah that's right, I knew the answer to that question so what do I win besides the look of amazement and love on your face right now?

Except for that I don't even answer those kind of questions anymore. I just shake my head and think out loud, man it's hard being way up here on this plane while you are down there on that one looking like a fool. The point of this blog is that it's hard being better than people but I am getting more used to it.

Methanie Tanner

I am always telling people about how I don't do meth. It's not like I couldn't do it if I wanted to, it's just not a very good idea. I had a friend named Stingray who started doing meth and it basically turned him gay. He was already kind of gay to begin with but only gay in the way that he played a lot of video games and had cats as pets. But then he started doing meth and became gay in the way that people are gay when they are a guy and they start having sex with other guys. So it's safe to say that I am a little afraid of meth.

The other day though I was drinking a glass of red wine and chewing on a xanax and I was like boy I'm tired and I've only been awake for like two hours. Maybe I should get some meth to keep me from falling asleep. But I was too tired to think about how I was going to get meth so I turned on the TV to Good Morning America and there was Jodie Sweetin aka Stephanie Tanner. She was talking all about how she used to do meth but doesn't anymore.

A lot of people know that she is a brilliant actress and jazz dancer but a lot of people forget that she was addicted to meth. I remember it a lot though. Every few weeks when I am about to do meth for the first time I remember it. It's just like, man if Stephanie can get addicted to meth with her awesome family support then what hope is there for people like me who don't even have a cool uncle?

So I watched Stephanie talk and couldn't even believe it. I was just like, why did Jesse and Joey not try to stop her? Danny is kind of an idiot so he gets a free pass but you can't tell me that those two guys never did meth or know people who did meth. It's San Fransisco for crying out loud. People who wear shirts like those two guys wear definitely hang out in places where people do meth. They should have seen it coming with Stef.

I guess the whole thing just makes me sad because it didn't have to happen. But yanno Joey was busy with the Ranger Joe show and Jesse had a family of his own and Danny and Vicki were falling in love and DJ was spending most of her time with Steve. So basically it makes sense that no one noticed that Stephanie was getting addicted to dangerous drugs. It makes me wonder what else was going on that no one knew about. Probably nasty stuff I bet.

The point of this blog is that meth is bad for you. Stephanie got addicted to it and now Full House isn't even on TV anymore. The reason I will probably never do meth is that I have my crap together and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Not even drugs - which I love.

Dr. Dare rides again

Wait until you hear what happened to me yesterday. Or keep reading and you won't have to wait. Basically remember how I said I was going to get that killer tattoo on my arm? Well I ended up having a day that was exactly like when Jesse decided to ride his motorcycle on the edge of the parking deck roof. Did I get the tattoo? Nope but read more to find out why not.

I do a lot of stupid things and I almost did one yesterday when I was about to get that tattoo. It's like how Jesse's friend came in town and starting making fun of him for losing his edge. Jesse used to be called Dr. Dare but his friend was like psh now you are more like Dr. Suess. Jesse was like F U punk I will take a dare and ride on the edge of that parking deck just like old times. This is a lot like me except my nickname used to be Cautious Chris because I didn't like dares. But me and Jesse both had nicknames.

So yesterday I felt like I had something to prove just like Jesse. Jesse went to ride his motorcycle on the edge of the parking deck - I went to the tattoo parlor. I was giving myself a pep talk the whole bus ride down there. Just reminding myself of how I am a badass and that soon I will be a tattood badass. Kind of like how Jesse wasn't barely afraid when he went back to the roof.

Well we all remember what happened to Jesse. He got on that ledge and he was about to ride again but he looked down and thought about his wife and family. Just then his wife ran up and started yelling at him so he decided not to ride. It was really mature of him. Well I was pretty mature myself if I do say so myself. Even though no one came to rescue me from the tattoo parlor, when the tattoo guy was turned around I got up and ran straight out the door and hid behind some piles of garbage for a few hours.

While I was back there I was just thinking about Jesse and about how he didn't have anything to prove. He already rode on that rooftop and he didn't have to do it again just to be cool. Just like me and the tattoo except that I have never actually gotten a tattoo. And Jesse realized that his family was more important than dying by falling off the ledge. Just like I realized that my family is more important than a tattoo.

Basically I learned a lot about what it feels like to be a grown up yesterday. It feels good to know that getting that tattoo wasn't going to make me one bit cooler than I am right now. Thanks (again) Jess-man.

Awesome is only skin deep

I woke up this morning an hour before the alarm because I was thinking about stuff. There is a lot of pressure on me about the blog these days but I can handle all that. What I was thinking about is about how I don't have a tattoo. Some days I can live with it but other days it is almost too much to take.

The problem with tattoos is that you can't get rid of them. As much as I love tattoos, I love getting rid of things even more. A tattoo is a thing that I could see wanting to get rid of pretty much the first time somebody ever made fun of it. For years I have been trying to think up the perfect tattoo that nobody could ever even make fun of no matter how hard they tried. They would start to want to make fun of it but then they would just blurt out - you're a badass. And I would agree to let them buy me dinner.

There is only one flaw to this plan which is that I can't think of a tattoo to get. Lord knows I have spent enough time around tattoos to be able to have thought of one by now. But it's like the pressure is building just because I don't have a tattoo and it's pretty stupid to get your first one when you are old as me. I have a plan for that too, I am going to not tell anybody that I got it and then whenever they point it out I will be like oh wow are you just now noticing that because I almost forget that it's there after eight years. Then they will feel dumb and my secret will be safe.

So you can see that I have plans for everything but what the tattoo is going to be of. Well when I was awake this morning I was just trying to accept the fact that there is only one perfect tattoo in history and Jesse already has it. That tattoo has wings and a circle in the middle but these aren't the only cool parts about it. It is the perfect tattoo for his wardrobe because he has a lot of shirts with no sleeves just like me. It is also the perfect size and shape for his athletic arms and Mediterranean skin tone. So where does this leave me?

I'll tell you where it leaves me - right back here on the internet blogging about Full House at 5AM. Since I was awake, I decided to do a little research on his tattoo. What I found out was so shocking I almost barfed. It seems that Jesse's famous, lovely, perfect tattoo....is a fraud.

That's right, John Stamos (the actor who portrayed Jesse Katsopolis on Full House) has no such tattoo. I took a couple of pain pills to help take the edge off and also to help me decide what to do. Does the fact that this tattoo was fake mean that it wasn't so cool as I thought it was? F that it's probably twice as cool as I even think it was. So this can mean only one thing...this tattoo is up for grabs.

Since nobody has this perfect tattoo in real life, I guess it's time for me to change that. I immediately begun drawing one on my own arm that I am going to get tattood on later today. I even skipped work so I could go get it done right after my nap. Tomorrow's blog will be about how jealous you are.

FAQs and the idiots who FA the Qs

I spend a lot of time on the streets. Since my blog is for the streets there is really no other place I would be able to be. These days being on the streets is hard, especially now when everybody wants to come up to me and ask me questions about the blog and make requests for it. But I don't forget where I came from so I am usually willing to chat about it for a few hours.

Pretty much most of the people want to know where you go after a blog like this. Now that the internet is available in nearly 20 countries all over the world and Europe, is there any goals left after international fame? Well not really other than giving back. I started a new inner city blog mentoring program called Blog's House with all my checks from this blog so that is pretty rewarding. I could only afford one computer and it got stolen the first day but I am keeping my eyes peeled for a new one so be on the lookout for the return of my program that helps me give back to the streets.

The other question I get asked a lot is about how does a blog post get made. Well, I work closely with a team of creative consultants who tell me all the awesome things they love about me and the blog. After they tell me all these things I am usually feeling pretty confident and ready to blog about whatever I feel like.

Probably the worst thing that happens to me on the streets is that people start going off topic really quick. The other day this guy saw me and yelled from across the street, hey it's you the Rush Hour Renegade, the one who makes the Full House blog. I took off my sunglasses and said yes you are right it's me. So then he runs over to me and starts shaking my hand and talking about how he loves everything about my blog. I can handle that since it's something I deal with every day. But then things went awry. He was all like, oh man did you ever watch Perfect Strangers? You should blog about that and how Cousin Larry and Balki were so opposite. Or what about Family Matters, that was a great one too...

This guy is an example of a person I hate. What, just because a show was on TGIF it's all the sudden equal to Full House? That's like saying all Skittles are as tasty as the green ones and we all know that isn't true. Basically, these kinds of people can suck me.

I blog about Full House. Get over it. If you wanna blog about Step by Step or Sabrina the Teenager then go right ahead. It's none of my business. But just so we're clear, this isn't a TGIF blog and it never will be as long as I'm in charge of it. If you want to cut me a check for a million dollars then I will sell you the blog and you can make it all about Mother Winslow if you choose to. But until then, this blog is about Full House so how about you blow it out your ass with all the jibber jabber.

A little advice...

People are always giving me advice about stuff. One thing about every advice I get is that I don't want it. What I want doesn't seem to matter though so I end up taking some advice just to be polite. Mostly it works out bad for me. Like this one time somebody was like, you should take that thing off your resume about being able to speak Italian since you can't. I ended up taking it off my resume and now nobody thinks I can speak Italian. I don't see how I am better off with people thinking I CAN'T speak Italian.

Another example of bad advice is when I ran over one of my nice work shirts with the vacuum cleaner and it got all mangled up at the bottom. Somebody was like, you might want to stop wearing that shirt because it makes you look poor. Well that was bad advice because I am wearing that shirt right now. You can't even see the mangled part when I am sitting at my desk so who's the fool now jerk.

Sometimes the advice I get is good but most of the good advice I get is way too late. My sister is always giving me advice about my hair right after I get a haircut. Why would you give someone advice to wear their hair longer right after they get it cut really short? It's pretty mean in my opinion but I get back at her by prank calling her at work. We don't talk very much outside of the prank calls so she doesn't recognize my voice. Somebody told me one time that I should keep prank calling her and that was pretty good advice.

Sometimes though advice is just plain scary. Like remember when Jesse was about to get married to Rebecca Donaldson and her dad (Mr. Donaldson) gave Jesse some advice? I know you remember it but humor me. He told Jesse that marriage was going to change him and he better get all the wild oats out of his system. So Jesse jumped out of a plane and got stuck in a tree on his wedding day. I mean he made it to the wedding and sung for Becky (see earlier blog entry) but there was no reason he needed to be stuck in that tree. If it wasn't for advice he probably wouldn't have been.

Basically this blog is about how I hate advice. I live my life feeling stuck in a tree on my wedding day and most of it comes from advice. My main advice is that people should shut up and get out of my face.

Shut up, Dad

Even though I have been getting pretty famous off this blog for the past week, Father's Day is just around the bend. Like most people, I have a father. He doesn't think I am very funny or successful. He lies to people and tells them I am and then he gets mad at me for forcing him to have to lie. And it's just like, whatever I didn't MAKE you lie, I don't see how this is my fault even though I am not surprised you are blaming me for it.

As a peace offering I have been thinking of inviting him to my blog but I don't think he would even come to it.

This reminds me of Joey Gladstone and his dad Colonel Gladstone. As we all remember, Colonel Gladstone was a Colonel in the army. The Colonel didn't approve of Joey being a comedian even though it was Joey's dream. He had a bad attitude about the whole thing.

Joey got a big break though and ended up opening for Wayne Newton in Los Vegas and the girls called the Colonel to invite him even though Joey didn't even want him there. Well guess what, the Colonel came and he respected Joey. He even said that he taught Joey how to do the Popeye voice even though he couldn't prove it.

I just wonder what would happen if I lived with a bunch of little girls I wasn't related to and they called my dad and told them to come to my blog. He would probably be pretty mad about it at first like the Colonel was. But then he might let his guard down and LOL a little bit. And then he would be like, I just want you to be happy - which is total crap by the way, he doesn't care about that. Then he would be trying to take credit for everything and being like, remember how when you were little and I gave you that crappy typewriter with the broken H key so you couldn't even type your own name with it? And now look at you, you type your own blog all thanks to me.

And it's just like I appreciate what you're trying to do here dad but we're two very different people and we have to learn to accept each other if we want to make the most out of this relationship.

So I guess all this has me thinking about my own dad.

If every word I said

I can play piano. I am not some kind of piano master but if someone points at a key on a piano and says what key is that I can tell them what key that is. I also have a piano-related math formula that helps me play chords. It's pretty easy but I am not going to tell you it because then we would both know how to play piano and I am happier with you not knowing.

Something that had a big impression on me was when Jesse played piano and sang for Becky at their wedding. I often sit around fantasizing about doing something like this but let me tell you that it takes balls. Because of that, I haven't really gotten all that close to doing it.

There is a few reasons for this. The first reason is that I don't own a piano. Even if I did own one, I'm not sure how much it would help me in the balls department. Here is why it is much more complicated.

If you play piano in public, you have to be ok with the world knowing that you play piano. Where I am from, dudes playing piano is frowned upon. You don't want to get branded as an ivory-tickler if you can help it. Sometimes when I tell people I can play piano I feel like I am telling them about how I have a male lover. They don't exactly laugh in my face but they don't ever really call me very much after that.

So this is why what Jesse did was so awesome. He played piano for his lady in front of a crowd of people and he didn't even care who was watching. That was brave of him. Maybe if I lived in California like Jesse does I would see things different but from where I am sitting, he is pretty much like the guy in China who stood in front of the tank in Chinamen Square. Playing piano by yourself in public might not be the smartest thing you could do but people aren't probably going to forget it.

Up the down staircase

Yesterday my friend sent me an email telling me how great my blog is. I love getting emails like this because they finally prove once and for all that I am doing something good with my life. This friend in particular probably worries about me more than most people because he is a police officer. So it makes sense that he doesn't approve of lots of stuff.

But he was like, hey you did a really nice job on that blog so I was like, hey I appreciate that. But then he said something that brought back some painful memories of me and him arguing about Full House. I am still mad about it right now in fact.

He was like, Full House reminds me of how I have always wanted to live in a house with two staircases even though theirs are not architecturally accurate. I read this and I was like man, you have got to be kidding me. We have been having this exact same conversation on and off for the past eight years and every time I convince him that the staircases do in fact line up, he just forgets about it. He has even admitted about how I am right on several occasions and then he acts like it never happened. And then six months or a year later he will bring up the freaking staircases on Full House like I didn't totally spend hours explaining this to him before.

If this blog proves anything it's that some people just don't get it. Obviously the kitchen staircase turns at least one time and spits you out at the back end of the upstairs hallway. The main staircase has a final unseen turn before it spits you out at the front of the hallway. The bedrooms are above the main room and kitchen. What's not to get?

I have some very vivid memories of me drawing pictures of the layout for my friend one time. I either did this in real life or in a dream I had but does it even matter? This feels pretty basic to me.

Don't get me wrong, I love talking about Full House. But I am tired of explaining this same thing over and over again when somebody just refuses to listen to reason. The layout of the Full House house is something I can just see in my mind and people are going to have to trust me about that. If I say the staircases line up, the staircases line up. I am not trying to explain away an inconsistency, I am saying the layout is architecturally sound.

Gah when are people going to shut up and start trusting me.

Talk To Me

If you wanna know what's hard, that's eating lunch with people. Lots of people at my job eat lunch in the break room together but not me. Sometimes they want me to eat lunch in there but they aren't the boss of me and I will eat lunch wherever I want to eat it. My lunch is basically just a sandwich which I like for its portability and also how easy it is to eat with one hand. This leaves your other hand free to roam - which really fits my needs.

But sometimes I worry about eating lunch alone at my desk. First of all, I think I am embarrassed of my sandwich because it is only bread and meat. I don't put any cheese or vegetables or condiments on it and people have a problem with that. I just don't care about that stuff but some jerk is always going - man, how do you eat that with nothing on it, that's disgusting. Lookit, I don't need you telling me my lunch is gross just because I prefer the flavours of meat and bread with nothing else getting in the way of it. Step off.

But I just look around and feel all these eyes judging me. Eyes that say things like, look at that pathetic retard who can't even barely make himself a sandwich. I am glad I am not him.

So I usually eat in a self-imposed exile. This reminds me a lot of that one episode of Full House where DJ goes to school for her first day of seventh grade and she doesn't have the same lunch time as Kimmy so she has no one to eat lunch with. Also, she is wearing the exact same outfit as a really dorky teacher but all the other girls her age are looking fly in tight dresses and makeup. They pretty much laugh in her face which is a lot like what I am afraid might happen about my sandwich. DJ is embarrassed about the whole thing and decides to eat her lunch in the phone booth while pretending to make calls.

Basically I feel like I eat in the phone booth too much. DJ only ate in the phone booth for one day but then she went home and figured out how to wear makeup with the help of trial and error and Aunt Becky (spoiler alert: the secret to wearing makeup is to look like you aren't wearing any).

The point of this blog post is that I could learn a thing or two.

Gladstone Awareness

Something that bothers me is pants. Not wearing pants, that is one of my favorite things to do. I am doing it right now. What really bothers me is bad pants - especially on men and ladies.

Over the years, I have started to refer to bad pants as "Gladstones" after the popular character Joey Gladstone on Full House. When it comes to bad pants, his are the best.

Sometimes bad pants are bad because they are too high. Sometimes they are bad because they feature elastic around the waist and ankles (which makes things easier when going potty but pants you need to unbutton are worth the effort). Sometimes bad pants have designs printed on them and it doesn't matter how neat a design is, it doesn't belong on pants. Any one of these characteristics in isolation constitutes a pair of Gladstones. All three at the same time is the worst thing that could happen to pants.

I sit at a desk that people walk by. When they walk by I often look at their pants. The amount of Gladstones I see is staggering. I want to stop them and say, hey who let you out of the house in those Gladstones? Or also, hey fag nice Gladstones. But I just sit there and don't say anything. Trying to rid the world of Gladstones is like trying to boil the ocean. I don't have time for that. Well, I do have time for it but I have to write this blog now so

I just realized that at least 80% of the people reading this blog are probably wearing Gladstones right now. The biggest problem is a lack of Gladstones awareness. Believe it or not, over half of all Gladstones wearers have never even heard of a Gladstones. So I made up this simple checklist of questions that you can do right now.

Is your navel currently being covered by your pants?
If yes, Gladstones.

Are the bottom cuffs of your pants constricted around the lower part of your calf or ankle and possibly your socks?
Don't look now but those are Gladstones.

Do people point out stains on your pants that are actually part of the intentional design?
In many cases, you are likely wearing Gladstones.

Do people avoid having sex with you and blame it on your pants?
You guessed it - Gladstones.

Lots of people think Gladstones don't exist because they don't know that they are wearing them. Here are a few tips to do if you just now realized you are wearing Gladstones.

-don't panic
-take your pants off
-buy different pants

Well I hope you realized a few things today.

Have Mercy

So basically this blog is going to be about one of the greatest television shows in history, Full House. I think a lot of people enjoy this show ironically, but not me. This show is seriously funny as balls and if you don't see it you are an idiot.

That being said, this blog will not only be about the show itself, but it will also be about things in my life that are like Full House and stories I hear about other people that are like Full House. There will also be stories about me talking about Full House to people. Full House is much larger than the show itself in my eyes.

I feel that the characters are people we can all relate to. Being a somewhat talentless and frustrated musician, I know where Jesse is coming from. And much like Michelle, I am the youngest of three children. So there you have it.

Obviously this show is a part of our cultural fabric and we can no longer separate the show from real life. I struggle with this daily. In fact, I've been dealing with this for years.

I started getting way into Full House again when it came on TBS when I was a freshman in college. Its back-to-back episodes at 4:00 and 4:30 really complimented my lifestyle at the time. And I rediscovered the show's quality. I remained committed to watching 2 or 3 episodes daily for the next five or so years.

And now, at the age of 28 I have decided to start this blog. Because this show touched me where it counts. This is my gift back to it.

Wake Up San Fransisco!

Call your Aunt Becky because a hot new blog is on its way. That's right, the Rush Hour Renegade is out of retirement and back on drugs which can only mean one thing. Stay tuned to the internet to find out what!